I have always wanted to know what it would be like to get caught doing something wrong. Having been the goody-2-shoes all my life, it is seriously beginning to get on my nerves a little more than usual. I was a good child growing up, everyone has told me that; apparently, I never fussed or cried as a baby when others tried to carry me, not even when my nappy was full; I never rolled around in mud or tried to put my hand into a burning flame as most other kids try; I never lied, never stole, sat when I was told to sit, ate when I was told to and I never sassed my parents, siblings or anyone else. I was the perfect child and I’m the perfect person now because as much as my attitude has been perfect, I appear to be just as beautiful and even more brilliant. My life story is basically this, I can do no wrong.
But what nobody seems to understand is that being the golden child sucks, big time! I don’t want to be the standard set for others to follow; I’m sick and tired of that. It doesn’t in the least bit make me feel good that all responsibility is always foisted on me because I’m supposedly the only one who can handle it. I just want to have a normal life like everyone else. I just want to spend my time giggling with my friends over stupid things, I want to have crushes and blush when I get teased, I want to watch the reality shows on TV even though everyone calls them retarded, i wants to get punished for sneaking out to parties; I just wants to be a teenager!”
It’s laughable really! At some point in my life, this was the most important thing to me. I remember this diary entry so vividly- my math teacher called me aside after school saying she heard I was being propositioned by a senior boy. She talked of how there were people looking up to me as well as people who had such high hopes for me and it wouldn’t do for me to engage in such juvenile behavior as the rest of my peers. Somehow she made it seem like I was superior to them all and it felt disloyal sort of. Anyway, I got what I wanted, sort of.
Past relationships have proven that I am incapable of being perfect. Present relationships have showed me that if I have it all and I don’t have love, I have nothing. Future relationships have in store the truth that I cannot rely on myself for anything because I am limited by what I know of only today. And somehow, after being perfect for so long, I am perfectly fine with this!!!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Friday, December 9, 2011
Sights Of The Eyes
I watch him leave the house to go to work, as I do everyday, and I, as always, wonder what time he’ll get in tonight. He’ll probably call just before 7:00pm and tell me not to bother waiting on him for dinner; his little girl and I should just go ahead and eat. I look down as I blink back the tears, it wouldn’t do for her to see me this way, she is too little to understand. We’re happy; we’re a well adjusted, happy, loving family. And when those nagging voices come, I simply bury them where they can never see the light of day. We’re happy, and we’re going to remain happy. With a smile as bright as the sun, maybe a little too bright, I turn to hug my child and I sigh to myself, “Everything is alright.”
I can feel her eyes on me as I walk out the door. Why does she always do that; stare at me until I get in the car? What does she want from me? I’ve given her everything she has always wanted- she’s gotten the nice house, I’ve stowed her kid in the snotty private school she wanted; none of her friends drives anything nearly in the same class as she does; she gets her holidays; her shopping sprees; her lavish parties; I have given her everything, she can’t possibly want more!!! I’m entitled to this one thing for myself. This wasn’t the life I wanted, they all wanted it for me, and I live it every single day for them, now I’m getting what want because I deserve it. With a jaw set in determination, he takes the turn and tells himself, “I deserve this, if nothing else.”
“Daddy is sitting at the table, reading a newspaper, and mummy is drinking from a mug with her eyes closed, why aren’t they talking to each other?” the little one wonders. “Mummy probably has a headache and daddy doesn’t want to disturb her; mummy gets headaches a lot.” Still, she stays hidden, watching through the crack of the door, until daddy gets up and leaves for work. Why does mummy always watch him that way everyday? Is she crying? No, she couldn’t be, she is happy; she is always happy. Daddy kissed her goodbye when I wasn’t looking, that’s all; I blinked and he kissed her. He’ll come for dinner tonight, I’m sure of it, there’ll be no emer… emercy… ermcy… whatever the word is, there won’t be one. I’ll go give mummy a hug, she likes hugs. And as mummy holds her, the little one wishes with all her heart, “We’ll be together forever!!!”
“Denial is a defense against the fear of not being able to deal with a situation that has occurred or is likely to occur… it blocks the way to becoming a real person.”
I can feel her eyes on me as I walk out the door. Why does she always do that; stare at me until I get in the car? What does she want from me? I’ve given her everything she has always wanted- she’s gotten the nice house, I’ve stowed her kid in the snotty private school she wanted; none of her friends drives anything nearly in the same class as she does; she gets her holidays; her shopping sprees; her lavish parties; I have given her everything, she can’t possibly want more!!! I’m entitled to this one thing for myself. This wasn’t the life I wanted, they all wanted it for me, and I live it every single day for them, now I’m getting what want because I deserve it. With a jaw set in determination, he takes the turn and tells himself, “I deserve this, if nothing else.”
“Daddy is sitting at the table, reading a newspaper, and mummy is drinking from a mug with her eyes closed, why aren’t they talking to each other?” the little one wonders. “Mummy probably has a headache and daddy doesn’t want to disturb her; mummy gets headaches a lot.” Still, she stays hidden, watching through the crack of the door, until daddy gets up and leaves for work. Why does mummy always watch him that way everyday? Is she crying? No, she couldn’t be, she is happy; she is always happy. Daddy kissed her goodbye when I wasn’t looking, that’s all; I blinked and he kissed her. He’ll come for dinner tonight, I’m sure of it, there’ll be no emer… emercy… ermcy… whatever the word is, there won’t be one. I’ll go give mummy a hug, she likes hugs. And as mummy holds her, the little one wishes with all her heart, “We’ll be together forever!!!”
“Denial is a defense against the fear of not being able to deal with a situation that has occurred or is likely to occur… it blocks the way to becoming a real person.”
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
I Know About Futility
I’ve been bobbing in this ocean for only a couple of seconds but in this short time I have known what fear truly is. That bitter taste of lead is stuck at the back of my throat, no matter how hard I try to swallow; my eyes brim with tears no matter how rapidly I try to blink them away and even then, I don’t want to close my eyes for too long because I’m afraid this vast and endless ocean will be the last thing I ever see.
There isn’t a single sign of life that I can see or even feel, it’s true that I can’t see what lurks beneath but I’m sure that the only thing I am now terrified of is drowning, nothing else. The ship was just here, seconds ago, but now it is gone, without a trace, seeming as though it never was. There is nothing to reach for in this endless stretch; there is nothing but me and this vast nothingness.
What am I even holding on for? Why am I trying so hard to stay alive? I don’t have a hope in this world that anyone will come for me; I don’t have a prayer in my heart that a miracle will save me. So what is the point of prolonging the inevitable? I am going to die here and there’s not going to be a soul on earth who will look for me for I am lost to all that have known me; no one can bring me back.
I’ve heard them say that in the instant before death, one’s life flashes before their eyes and it has always made me sad because I’ve wondered what I will see when it’s my turn. Well, I know the answer now- I see nothing. I can’t seem to bring to mind anything worth seeing one last time. Sure, I lived, I laughed, I worked, I had friends, I had family, there were enjoyable times; God knows there were plenty of those. I squeezed all I could out of the pleasures life gave and then I squeezed a little more. Whenever there was a problem, I just kept right on living, I figured, ‘life is too short to waste it on trying to fix stuff,’ so I just looked past everything to what would please me, and then I took that.
When the dam started to spring leaks, I plugged them in with more of whatever I could get; nothing could stop me. Yes, the ground may have been shifting beneath my feet, getting unstable in places, but I just stayed light on my feet, as long as no pressure was exerted, I was fine. But at that first crack, I knew. I knew that I had little time left to soak up all the enjoyment I could before the walls came tumbling down, ‘cause they would, and everyone could see it.
And then morning came, and as soon as I opened my eyes, the walls gave way, and the roof caved in, and I began to sink. I tried my hardest to hold on to something, ‘cause I really didn’t want to die but the harder I tried, the farther out to see I drifted until there was nothing left but me bobbing in this ocean, scared to death but fighting to stay alive.
There isn’t a single sign of life that I can see or even feel, it’s true that I can’t see what lurks beneath but I’m sure that the only thing I am now terrified of is drowning, nothing else. The ship was just here, seconds ago, but now it is gone, without a trace, seeming as though it never was. There is nothing to reach for in this endless stretch; there is nothing but me and this vast nothingness.
What am I even holding on for? Why am I trying so hard to stay alive? I don’t have a hope in this world that anyone will come for me; I don’t have a prayer in my heart that a miracle will save me. So what is the point of prolonging the inevitable? I am going to die here and there’s not going to be a soul on earth who will look for me for I am lost to all that have known me; no one can bring me back.
I’ve heard them say that in the instant before death, one’s life flashes before their eyes and it has always made me sad because I’ve wondered what I will see when it’s my turn. Well, I know the answer now- I see nothing. I can’t seem to bring to mind anything worth seeing one last time. Sure, I lived, I laughed, I worked, I had friends, I had family, there were enjoyable times; God knows there were plenty of those. I squeezed all I could out of the pleasures life gave and then I squeezed a little more. Whenever there was a problem, I just kept right on living, I figured, ‘life is too short to waste it on trying to fix stuff,’ so I just looked past everything to what would please me, and then I took that.
When the dam started to spring leaks, I plugged them in with more of whatever I could get; nothing could stop me. Yes, the ground may have been shifting beneath my feet, getting unstable in places, but I just stayed light on my feet, as long as no pressure was exerted, I was fine. But at that first crack, I knew. I knew that I had little time left to soak up all the enjoyment I could before the walls came tumbling down, ‘cause they would, and everyone could see it.
And then morning came, and as soon as I opened my eyes, the walls gave way, and the roof caved in, and I began to sink. I tried my hardest to hold on to something, ‘cause I really didn’t want to die but the harder I tried, the farther out to see I drifted until there was nothing left but me bobbing in this ocean, scared to death but fighting to stay alive.
Friday, December 2, 2011
THIS IS THE TIME
The month of December, ever fabulous!!! However, here, the month has begun with PHCN providing us light that shines as bright as a candle, not many candles, just one, and is just as depressing as darkness. However, my extension box is really cool so I can still plug appliances such as my laptop and my phone; I’m fine. Anyway, I’m so excited about this year’s December, maybe because it brings me closer to another December I look forward to (wink), or maybe it’s also the fact that it’s Christmas time again!!! I do know for sure though that it is NOT because I have to get back to school on the 19th.
This year, Christmas, which is like the entire month to me, is going to be for understanding what life is and the purpose of it all. The beginning of sacrifice that Christ shouldered for us is what we celebrate in this time and I believe that this is the time for me to look beyond what I’ve always known and see my life what it truly is. I just wondered now what I’ve been doing with all these years if not living but then I know that a life lived just for one’s self, isn’t really life, it’s existence. I mean Christ didn’t come all the way down here to just save me and then leave, like I once heard, if that was all then I’d have gone to heaven immediately I got saved but I’m still here; there’s a reason for that. And in the next 30 days, I’m going to do my best to live the life that was given to me.
I’d like to ask that you do the same. I’m reading a book, “Outlive Your Life” by Max Lucado and it has so broadened my view on what life is. The book basically encourages us to do all we can to step out and help those around us, both spiritually and physically. It talks of stepping out of your comfort zone to share your life with people, no matter how far or near they may be; to stretch your arms out as wide as they can go and to wrap the world up in your love and kindness. Not just to be good and hospitable to those you know, but to also be kind to strangers, to the poor, to the homeless and not to lock yourself up in your own content and happy world where you shut out the fact that this world has problems-I’m so guilty!!!
I’m not asking you to do anything radical but I’m saying maybe you could do something nice for your parents in this season, something unexpected and without any strings attached; not something you’ll use as an ace to get what you want but something sweet and thoughtful.
You know that friend you call friend but don’t really act friends with? Yeah, maybe you could visit with her and her family this time and just make the effort for all of you to have fun.
If you have a special someone, this is a wonderful time to make that person know just how special they are because nothing tells more of life than love.
You’re the first of 2 children, or maybe 3, or maybe 4, and yes, I know how annoying they can be and how much you hate being mushy with them; it is now time for the tide to turn; nobody ever went to hell for being a good sister or brother.
The time to forgive any hurts and wrongs is now, because the message of love rings so loud and clear in us and around us. It’s time to cancel out those debts you’ve been holding on to for ages. It’s time to mend those broken fences and to restore the most precious of friendships.
Spend time in church, enjoy the carols and enjoy the fellowship; open yourself up to the joys that Christmas brings us day in, day out. Open up your heart to the message of Christmas, the Good News that Christ our Savior is even now with us for always and let it mean more than it ever has.
But most importantly, shine the light to those in darkness. Whether it’s the beggar you pass on the street everyday without a second glance, or those refugee kids whose touch you so detest, or it’s the woman with the little children who sells ‘agbado’ just to get by, or those children in the numerous motherless babies’ homes, or even someone you just met and would term under-privileged; NOW is the time to stretch your own life to touch theirs. And not just with food, or drinks, or money but with the message of life, which is the only thing that can actually change their lives forever. So get up and live beyond what you’ve always thought was acceptable…
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
The way I see it
“Every time I see her walk down the hall, I turn and walk the other way. I can’t bear to face her after what I did. There’s no point in trying to get her to forgive me. It’s better if we both just go our separate ways; life will continue. We were close before and now we’re not close anymore, no big deal. Maybe I don’t even deserve friends. She’s better off without me. I should probably just be on my own from now on. There’s no point in me making friends with someone else only for me to do something stupid and hurt that person to. I don’t deserve to have any friends. I have just one more year here; I can be fine without anybody. When school is over, I’ll move on to a new place and I’ll be better there.”
Penance is what you’ll call it isn’t it? You’ve done something wrong and you’re supposed to pay for it, no questions asked. You know what I think? You don’t have to answer that because I’m going to tell you anyway; I think it’s a load of horse manure. We all recognize when we’ve done something wrong but we’re too scared to face up to it so we carry around the guilt and a false sense of restitution which is in actuality just an escape route. No one wants to be faced with the magnitude of their sin so they don’t have to feel bad about themselves, so when we do wrong, we talk ourselves down and put our heads down in shame.
How many friendships have been destroyed because of this false sense of guilt? You know you haven’t called someone in a really long time, so you put it off and eventually tell yourself that there’s no point anymore because the person is probably to mad at you now to pick up if you call; so that’s that. You hurt someone with something you did, so you pull back from the person and convince yourself that he/she is better off without you. You’re afraid to truly take responsibility for your actions so you don’t ever make anything right, you just keep moving on, leaving a trail of broken and unfulfilled relationships in your wake. You become frustrated, unhappy and dissatisfied because you’ve broken yourself emotionally.
Even with God, the one we ALL know that forgives us ALL sins. When we sin against him, we wallow in it and beat ourselves down. We say things like, “I’ve let God down too many times,” or “if I go to Him now, I’ll still turn around and do it again.” We give all these excuses and just continue to stew in guilt, making God less of who He is. This so called penance, I read, is just a form of religious masochism whereby we inflict punishment on ourselves. You should feel bad when you’ve done wrong, but you don’t have the right to feel defeated. True remorse always brings with it repentance.
A repentant heart goes to the one wronged and says I’m sorry. Only a repentant heart can truly receive forgiveness. And only one that has been forgiven can receive strength to keep on the right track.
Penance is what you’ll call it isn’t it? You’ve done something wrong and you’re supposed to pay for it, no questions asked. You know what I think? You don’t have to answer that because I’m going to tell you anyway; I think it’s a load of horse manure. We all recognize when we’ve done something wrong but we’re too scared to face up to it so we carry around the guilt and a false sense of restitution which is in actuality just an escape route. No one wants to be faced with the magnitude of their sin so they don’t have to feel bad about themselves, so when we do wrong, we talk ourselves down and put our heads down in shame.
How many friendships have been destroyed because of this false sense of guilt? You know you haven’t called someone in a really long time, so you put it off and eventually tell yourself that there’s no point anymore because the person is probably to mad at you now to pick up if you call; so that’s that. You hurt someone with something you did, so you pull back from the person and convince yourself that he/she is better off without you. You’re afraid to truly take responsibility for your actions so you don’t ever make anything right, you just keep moving on, leaving a trail of broken and unfulfilled relationships in your wake. You become frustrated, unhappy and dissatisfied because you’ve broken yourself emotionally.
Even with God, the one we ALL know that forgives us ALL sins. When we sin against him, we wallow in it and beat ourselves down. We say things like, “I’ve let God down too many times,” or “if I go to Him now, I’ll still turn around and do it again.” We give all these excuses and just continue to stew in guilt, making God less of who He is. This so called penance, I read, is just a form of religious masochism whereby we inflict punishment on ourselves. You should feel bad when you’ve done wrong, but you don’t have the right to feel defeated. True remorse always brings with it repentance.
A repentant heart goes to the one wronged and says I’m sorry. Only a repentant heart can truly receive forgiveness. And only one that has been forgiven can receive strength to keep on the right track.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
My meditations; Wealth
“You can’t break a principle, you can only break yourself against a principle,” I read these words from an article written by Chuks Nwabueze for The New Woman Magazine (available in stores soon) and today I think on how true those words are.
We all search for fulfillment; we want to know that we have been able to achieve something worthwhile that everyone can be proud of. Whether it’s the father who wants his son to be a lawyer by all means; or the mother who wants to take her place in society by marrying her daughter off to the highest bidder; or the child who just wants to be able to make a decision for himself without adult interference; or the man who wants to stack those million dollar chips under his belt just for the sake of it, we all search avidly for fulfillment. And most times, fulfillment equals money.
Money in terms of spending power, status, independence, honor, whatever, after all, money makes the world go round. Of course, the student who is looking for that First Class result in school will have the personal satisfaction of being ‘the best’ but what is it all for actually, -to get a high paying job so that one can be comfortable. Maybe I shouldn’t call it money; maybe I should say wealth, or riches, I think that encompasses it all better. We are all in that pursuit of happiness which is actually a pursuit of wealth.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God1; why is that? It is simple really. We send our lives amassing all kinds of wealth and then we go to church to alleviate our guilt. The rich man who wouldn’t sell all he had and give to the poor actually wanted to get into the Kingdom, he even kept all the laws from his youth2, and we all know how hard it is to keep the laws, especially in your youth, but he so much wanted it but he had a whole mass of wealth and he couldn’t let go. So nowadays, what we do as keeping all the laws, is that we go to church and give tremendously of the wealth we have amassed, we serve on committees, we sing in the choir, we are super friendly to everyone but as soon as wealth calls, we go running to it because that is what we have reduced ourselves to; wealth.
And in all of this, wealth is a wonderful thing that God created for us to have, for He knows that we have need of these things3. The First Law of the Kingdom is simple, “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you.”4 But what we do is that we seek all these things hoping that it’ll make us happy and comfortable enough to go to church, like that is all there is. The law is simple; surrender yourself to God and everything else will be taken care of. Not that things will take care of themselves, but that things will be taken care of. You will still go to school to get that degree; you will still work to get paid; you will still read to have knowledge; but above all, you will know the eternal relevance of it all so that it will work for you, rather than enslave you.
The eternal relevance of what you do makes it yours so that no one can ever take it away from you. It allows you to lay up those treasures for yourself where neither moth nor rust can corrupt and where thieves do not break through or steal.5 In other words, eternal relevance keeps you protected from feelings of ‘not-good-enough’ or feelings of ‘she’s-better-than-me’ or feelings of depression because things didn’t go the way you planned, or feelings of ‘I-want-more-cars-than-the-Jones’;’ it keeps you from being cheated out of your reward or profit; it keeps you from having your life destroyed by mishaps; the eternal relevance that you can only find in the Kingdom of God.
So the rich don’t find it hard to get in because they are wealthy, they find it hard because they don’t have their wealth in the Kingdom; they have it rather than the Kingdom. God very much intends for you to prosper, the riches of the world have been laid up for you, the best of the best in this world has been handed over to you on a silver platter but to have it, you must recognize the hand that gives it and much more you must seek the face of Him that gives it.
Stop chasing fulfillment and surrender all of yourself to God. He gave you the brain you’re trying to force all that information into; he gave me these hands that I am using to type these words and the heart to search them out; he gave you that business acumen that you so want to convert to money and success so desperately; he gave you that creativity that seems to be bursting out every pore in your body; so let Him show you what He will have you do with it. Be more interested in ‘God things’ and you’ll see how beautifully your plans were made to fit into that same Kingdom. You’ll win both ways; you’ll receive manifold more in this present time and in the world to come, life everlasting.6 Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and ALL these things shall be added unto you- you can’t break the principle, you can only break yourself against it.
1.Luke 18:25 2.Luke 18:18-21 3.Matt 6:32 4.Matt 6:33 5.Matt 6:20 6.Luke 18:29&30
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
We all search for fulfillment; we want to know that we have been able to achieve something worthwhile that everyone can be proud of. Whether it’s the father who wants his son to be a lawyer by all means; or the mother who wants to take her place in society by marrying her daughter off to the highest bidder; or the child who just wants to be able to make a decision for himself without adult interference; or the man who wants to stack those million dollar chips under his belt just for the sake of it, we all search avidly for fulfillment. And most times, fulfillment equals money.
Money in terms of spending power, status, independence, honor, whatever, after all, money makes the world go round. Of course, the student who is looking for that First Class result in school will have the personal satisfaction of being ‘the best’ but what is it all for actually, -to get a high paying job so that one can be comfortable. Maybe I shouldn’t call it money; maybe I should say wealth, or riches, I think that encompasses it all better. We are all in that pursuit of happiness which is actually a pursuit of wealth.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God1; why is that? It is simple really. We send our lives amassing all kinds of wealth and then we go to church to alleviate our guilt. The rich man who wouldn’t sell all he had and give to the poor actually wanted to get into the Kingdom, he even kept all the laws from his youth2, and we all know how hard it is to keep the laws, especially in your youth, but he so much wanted it but he had a whole mass of wealth and he couldn’t let go. So nowadays, what we do as keeping all the laws, is that we go to church and give tremendously of the wealth we have amassed, we serve on committees, we sing in the choir, we are super friendly to everyone but as soon as wealth calls, we go running to it because that is what we have reduced ourselves to; wealth.
And in all of this, wealth is a wonderful thing that God created for us to have, for He knows that we have need of these things3. The First Law of the Kingdom is simple, “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you.”4 But what we do is that we seek all these things hoping that it’ll make us happy and comfortable enough to go to church, like that is all there is. The law is simple; surrender yourself to God and everything else will be taken care of. Not that things will take care of themselves, but that things will be taken care of. You will still go to school to get that degree; you will still work to get paid; you will still read to have knowledge; but above all, you will know the eternal relevance of it all so that it will work for you, rather than enslave you.
The eternal relevance of what you do makes it yours so that no one can ever take it away from you. It allows you to lay up those treasures for yourself where neither moth nor rust can corrupt and where thieves do not break through or steal.5 In other words, eternal relevance keeps you protected from feelings of ‘not-good-enough’ or feelings of ‘she’s-better-than-me’ or feelings of depression because things didn’t go the way you planned, or feelings of ‘I-want-more-cars-than-the-Jones’;’ it keeps you from being cheated out of your reward or profit; it keeps you from having your life destroyed by mishaps; the eternal relevance that you can only find in the Kingdom of God.
So the rich don’t find it hard to get in because they are wealthy, they find it hard because they don’t have their wealth in the Kingdom; they have it rather than the Kingdom. God very much intends for you to prosper, the riches of the world have been laid up for you, the best of the best in this world has been handed over to you on a silver platter but to have it, you must recognize the hand that gives it and much more you must seek the face of Him that gives it.
Stop chasing fulfillment and surrender all of yourself to God. He gave you the brain you’re trying to force all that information into; he gave me these hands that I am using to type these words and the heart to search them out; he gave you that business acumen that you so want to convert to money and success so desperately; he gave you that creativity that seems to be bursting out every pore in your body; so let Him show you what He will have you do with it. Be more interested in ‘God things’ and you’ll see how beautifully your plans were made to fit into that same Kingdom. You’ll win both ways; you’ll receive manifold more in this present time and in the world to come, life everlasting.6 Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and ALL these things shall be added unto you- you can’t break the principle, you can only break yourself against it.
1.Luke 18:25 2.Luke 18:18-21 3.Matt 6:32 4.Matt 6:33 5.Matt 6:20 6.Luke 18:29&30
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Monday, November 28, 2011
My Meditations; Love
It said that he was afraid of the dangers and the challenges of love so he caused himself to be detached and therefore defeated. I believe that the greatest obstacle to love is the fear that your love won’t be reciprocated and would be taken for granted; maybe because this has been a real challenge for me. I’ve pulled back from friendships because I was hurt and I felt I was being cheated out of my feelings and I didn’t want that to happen. I have felt a high level of discomfort in so many of my relationships and I assumed it was okay to feel that and to therefore pull back, but I think I’m learning different now.
Nobody is perfect, I understand that completely but at the same time, there is a thin line between imperfection and being a bad person. Is there even any such thing as a bad person? Surely, there is good in everyone but when you go out of your way to not display that good, I think there’s a serious problem. Do I even have the right to look at anybody and call them bad? But it makes me wonder; will anyone ever look at me and call me bad? I surely hope not. I want to believe that I have been a good person, that I have been fair and that I have loved. But there have been failings; and the biggest one is that I have not truly loved completely.
Emotions get in the way but they were not created to. I believe they were created to give expression. What I allow them to express is solely up to me. Take happiness for example, I recently learned that it is an emotion not a destination. All our lives, we hope to accomplish that one thing that will truly make us happy and we ignore the fact that we can be happy every single day of our lives. I can choose to look around and express that feeling of happiness rather than stop living because I feel sad. It is basically point of view. Do I do things because I feel a certain way? Or, do I feel a certain way because of the wonders I see in my life? Emotions are tools to my living a fulfilled life, they aren’t the drivers of my wheel, neither are they my destination.
The key element, anyone would say, in a romantic relationship is, LOVE! Love is what makes the mushy moments sweeter; love is what makes the gifts mean more; love is what makes time together seem more precious; love is what gives hope when all else seems to be failing; love is what makes you speak to her even when you’re seething in anger; love is what makes you tell him “I love you” even when you think he is being unreasonable. But maybe it is a little deeper than that; maybe it is more and then again, maybe it is less. I think that beyond all else, it is being comfortable in your love. Perfect love casts out fear- not one type of fear, but fear. Being comfortable in your love is being able to look at that person, and see all the possibilities and being able to stand firm and trust.
Maybe it’s just me but that silent and encompassing trust is difficult; being steady in that love. Probably, it is because I fear that if even I cannot handle the depth of what I’m experiencing right now, there is no way that I can give it to you. But I see that, that is love, pouring yourself out and trusting that your partner will be there to receive all there is of you and together, you’ll handle it. It is not being afraid to give every single thing and not choose to keep some in reserve out of fear that you will fail. It is being comfortable in ‘our’ love.
Why am I writing of romantic love? Anyway, it applies to other things to, I am finding out. God is our greatest example of love, yes? And He shows us His love, day-in, day-out. He never shirks His responsibility to us and He never withholds anything from us, He loves us truly and completely. However, I am finding that I have spoken of this love, and experienced it but there’s much to do in terms of trusting completely in His love. God’s love is ever sure, that’s a given, but I don’t always act like I believe it. Furthermore, I don’t always love Him back when I say I do.
Love is life; actions. If I love God, I will follow His commandment. What is His commandment? That I love Him and that I love my fellow man. Do I love my fellow man? No, I do not always completely love. Why? Because I am afraid I will be rejected or taken advantage of or hurt. But I though perfect love casts out fear? YES, IT DOES!!!
So, the conclusion of my musing is this- I need to be comfortable enough in God’s love to trust Him and to love Him in return. And I can only love Him by loving you all. And this is the wonderful part, I don’t have to be afraid of you hurting me, rejecting me or taking advantage of me because in God’s love for me, He takes care of my hurts and He reminds me everyday in so many ways that He loves me and that His love is tangible and palpable. So I am able to love you completely without reserve because the well it comes from is full and unending. Secondly, I am not afraid to love you because love is an example, and as God teaches me to love, I teach you also to love, and you’ll teach someone else, and it just keeps getting better. Without love, we are all detached and defeated and yes, it is challenging a lot of the time but get comfortable in love, sink your roots deep into love and draw from there.
Nobody is perfect, I understand that completely but at the same time, there is a thin line between imperfection and being a bad person. Is there even any such thing as a bad person? Surely, there is good in everyone but when you go out of your way to not display that good, I think there’s a serious problem. Do I even have the right to look at anybody and call them bad? But it makes me wonder; will anyone ever look at me and call me bad? I surely hope not. I want to believe that I have been a good person, that I have been fair and that I have loved. But there have been failings; and the biggest one is that I have not truly loved completely.
Emotions get in the way but they were not created to. I believe they were created to give expression. What I allow them to express is solely up to me. Take happiness for example, I recently learned that it is an emotion not a destination. All our lives, we hope to accomplish that one thing that will truly make us happy and we ignore the fact that we can be happy every single day of our lives. I can choose to look around and express that feeling of happiness rather than stop living because I feel sad. It is basically point of view. Do I do things because I feel a certain way? Or, do I feel a certain way because of the wonders I see in my life? Emotions are tools to my living a fulfilled life, they aren’t the drivers of my wheel, neither are they my destination.
The key element, anyone would say, in a romantic relationship is, LOVE! Love is what makes the mushy moments sweeter; love is what makes the gifts mean more; love is what makes time together seem more precious; love is what gives hope when all else seems to be failing; love is what makes you speak to her even when you’re seething in anger; love is what makes you tell him “I love you” even when you think he is being unreasonable. But maybe it is a little deeper than that; maybe it is more and then again, maybe it is less. I think that beyond all else, it is being comfortable in your love. Perfect love casts out fear- not one type of fear, but fear. Being comfortable in your love is being able to look at that person, and see all the possibilities and being able to stand firm and trust.
Maybe it’s just me but that silent and encompassing trust is difficult; being steady in that love. Probably, it is because I fear that if even I cannot handle the depth of what I’m experiencing right now, there is no way that I can give it to you. But I see that, that is love, pouring yourself out and trusting that your partner will be there to receive all there is of you and together, you’ll handle it. It is not being afraid to give every single thing and not choose to keep some in reserve out of fear that you will fail. It is being comfortable in ‘our’ love.
Why am I writing of romantic love? Anyway, it applies to other things to, I am finding out. God is our greatest example of love, yes? And He shows us His love, day-in, day-out. He never shirks His responsibility to us and He never withholds anything from us, He loves us truly and completely. However, I am finding that I have spoken of this love, and experienced it but there’s much to do in terms of trusting completely in His love. God’s love is ever sure, that’s a given, but I don’t always act like I believe it. Furthermore, I don’t always love Him back when I say I do.
Love is life; actions. If I love God, I will follow His commandment. What is His commandment? That I love Him and that I love my fellow man. Do I love my fellow man? No, I do not always completely love. Why? Because I am afraid I will be rejected or taken advantage of or hurt. But I though perfect love casts out fear? YES, IT DOES!!!
So, the conclusion of my musing is this- I need to be comfortable enough in God’s love to trust Him and to love Him in return. And I can only love Him by loving you all. And this is the wonderful part, I don’t have to be afraid of you hurting me, rejecting me or taking advantage of me because in God’s love for me, He takes care of my hurts and He reminds me everyday in so many ways that He loves me and that His love is tangible and palpable. So I am able to love you completely without reserve because the well it comes from is full and unending. Secondly, I am not afraid to love you because love is an example, and as God teaches me to love, I teach you also to love, and you’ll teach someone else, and it just keeps getting better. Without love, we are all detached and defeated and yes, it is challenging a lot of the time but get comfortable in love, sink your roots deep into love and draw from there.
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