It's As Much Your Sin!

“I had never had to fight so hard for anything in my life. Today, I find myself fighting to save my marriage. I know what would happen if I let this situation spin out on its own; I would be left without a life and I can’t let that happen. I love my husband, I love my children, I love who I am when I’m with them and I love the life that we have. I’m not going to give that up just because of a passion that should never have been. I’ve made up my mind. I’m sorry but I cannot see you anymore.”

Nothing could ever make me forget these words for as long as I live. As I hit send I knew I was doing the right thing but it hurt like hell. I began to think I shouldn’t have sent something like that via email but I knew if I decided to go and see him, I might not do what I was meant to do. Maybe I’m a coward but that’s just the way it ought to be. My phone rang 5 minutes after; it was him. I didn’t pick up, I couldn’t. I knew what would happen if I did. He would convince me to meet him somewhere to talk this through, which was not a good idea. My phone rang numerous times after that but I just ignored the longing to hear the deep rumble of his voice.

“Hey, pick up the phone. I know you’re there. Please, I just want to talk.”

I wanted to reply, to tell him to leave me alone but I knew a clean break was best. I deleted the message immediately. I struggled through the day to not call him or respond to his numerous messages, at some point, I even saw him in my office but of course, it wasn’t him. I drove home working up the right attitude and frame of mind to handle spending time with my family without tipping anybody off on the turmoil that was my emotions. As I walked through the door my 9year old daughter came screaming at me full speed ahead, her 5year old twin brothers were not very far behind. I hugged all three of them at once as they loved the way I squeezed them whenever I did and they all giggled. I sat in the living room to watch them play for a while as Sade, the help, brought me a drink. My husband came in about an hour after. He looked extra good in my eyes today. He played with the kids regularly and they loved him for it, they were all laughing so hard. I reveled in the sound. This was good, this was home.

“Are you alright?” Dotun asked as we settled in for the night.
“Yes, of course.” I said trying to look calm.
“Who was that on the phone before?” He asked still staring at me.
“Uhm, it was a message. It was work related.” I hated lying to him.
“Everything okay there?”
“Dotun, I already told you, everything is fine. There is no problem.”
“Okay, just checking. Goodnight hon. I love you.”
“I love you too. Goodnight.”
I waited until he fell asleep before I let the tears fall. What had I done? I picked up my phone and read the text message again.

“Darling, why are you doing this to me? What did I do wrong? Whatever it is, I’m sorry, but please, you have to talk to me. I’ll call you again tomorrow. We really have to talk, please. I love you. I know you love me too. We’ll work this out. It’ll be fine. I promise.”

What had I gotten myself into? I didn’t intend for all this to happen. It was all just harmless, I swear it was innocent. I never slept with him; we never even kissed, at least not outside of my mind. But that in itself was bad enough. I had always been a good person; good daughter, good sister, good student, good friend, good employee, good wife and a good mother. It wasn’t like me to do something this reckless and irresponsible but I seem to have found myself paddling this boat alone. As I lay beside my husband of 10 years I began to think of how I got myself into this mess in the first place.

As the official secretary to the CEO of the company I worked for I was expected to travel with my boss whenever he needed me. It was on one of these trips to Lagos that I met Etenye. He happened to be staying at the same hotel we were, he was also there in Lagos on business. We got talking one Saturday afternoon by the hotel pool and it was comfortable. Most men just stare at my body in such situations even when my husband is right next to me but he wasn’t like that, we were having a real conversation, he even made me laugh a couple of times. We didn’t even realize that we didn’t know each other’s names until I was about to head back in. He took my number and said he would call once he was back in Abuja. At that point I didn’t think anything was wrong.

He did call when he got back and we saw each other a couple of times, nothing out of the ordinary. His calls became more frequent and I began to look forward to them. It wasn’t until Dotun asked one night who I had just gotten off the phone with, after having a conversation with Etenye, and I said “my sister” did I get the nagging feeling that something was wrong. I pushed all of that aside and reasoned $y husband would just get upset over nothing if I had told him the truth. It really was nothing, so I told myself.
The first gift Etenye bought me was a gold keychain with my name on it in little diamonds. It was such an expensive gift but he said it wasn’t something he couldn’t get for any of his other friends so I took it. That’s when the second lie came, I told my husband it was a gift from the folks at my office and I wasn’t the only one who had gotten one. The gifts became as regular as the phone calls and the meetings and I felt myself falling for him but I wasn’t going to do anything about it so it didn’t matter. Nothing changed at home. I was still as involved in my children’s lives and as loving to my husband but now I had more, I had Etenye. He looked at me with such adoration in his eyes, and I felt everything he was thinking when he spoke to me. He was going to say “I love you” once but I hushed him before he could, it would ruin things. The day my heart fell at his feet, was the day he took me dancing.

Dotun hated dancing. Before we got married I had begged him to go to a dancing coach with me so we could have a couple’s dance but he had done it so grudgingly and his attitude during the lesson was so unpleasant I just let the whole idea go. But Etenye, he was such a good dancer. It was like his feet didn’t touch the ground and he took me along as he flew about the place. At the final dip our eyes locked and passion singed the air. I wanted him and he wanted me. in that moment there was nobody but us, there was nowhere, no time, no space, no boundaries; just the vast ocean of his eyes, the curve of his lips, his breath. I saw it in his eyes, his desire, and it stirred up something within me. All my dreams and fantasies about this moment didn’t come close to the real thing. He lowered his head to mine and just as we would touch I realized that this moment didn’t hold a candle to waking up every morning to my darling husband and my kids. I pushed up and out of his arms and flew out the door. It didn't occur to me that I didn't have my car, Ijust ran.

I pulled my self together after taking a cab back to my office where my car was parked. I sat in the driver's seat of my car and wept all over the steering wheel. How could I have come so close to throwing away my marriage? I made up my mind not to see him anymore and I drove home with that resolve, it was a struggle to make it through the motions. I sent the message as soon as I could at my office the next day. That night, as I lay beside my husband I knew I had made the right decision, but my heart still ached. Dotun opened his eyes to my muffled sob and looked at me, questions in his eyes. I just looked down at him, smiled and said "I love you." He stretched out his arm and as I lay down against him I pushed all thoughts of Etenye aside, this was where I belonged.