Sights Of The Eyes

I watch him leave the house to go to work, as I do everyday, and I, as always, wonder what time he’ll get in tonight. He’ll probably call just before 7:00pm and tell me not to bother waiting on him for dinner; his little girl and I should just go ahead and eat. I look down as I blink back the tears, it wouldn’t do for her to see me this way, she is too little to understand. We’re happy; we’re a well adjusted, happy, loving family. And when those nagging voices come, I simply bury them where they can never see the light of day. We’re happy, and we’re going to remain happy. With a smile as bright as the sun, maybe a little too bright, I turn to hug my child and I sigh to myself, “Everything is alright.”

I can feel her eyes on me as I walk out the door. Why does she always do that; stare at me until I get in the car? What does she want from me? I’ve given her everything she has always wanted- she’s gotten the nice house, I’ve stowed her kid in the snotty private school she wanted; none of her friends drives anything nearly in the same class as she does; she gets her holidays; her shopping sprees; her lavish parties; I have given her everything, she can’t possibly want more!!! I’m entitled to this one thing for myself. This wasn’t the life I wanted, they all wanted it for me, and I live it every single day for them, now I’m getting what want because I deserve it. With a jaw set in determination, he takes the turn and tells himself, “I deserve this, if nothing else.”

“Daddy is sitting at the table, reading a newspaper, and mummy is drinking from a mug with her eyes closed, why aren’t they talking to each other?” the little one wonders. “Mummy probably has a headache and daddy doesn’t want to disturb her; mummy gets headaches a lot.” Still, she stays hidden, watching through the crack of the door, until daddy gets up and leaves for work. Why does mummy always watch him that way everyday? Is she crying? No, she couldn’t be, she is happy; she is always happy. Daddy kissed her goodbye when I wasn’t looking, that’s all; I blinked and he kissed her. He’ll come for dinner tonight, I’m sure of it, there’ll be no emer… emercy… ermcy… whatever the word is, there won’t be one. I’ll go give mummy a hug, she likes hugs. And as mummy holds her, the little one wishes with all her heart, “We’ll be together forever!!!”

“Denial is a defense against the fear of not being able to deal with a situation that has occurred or is likely to occur… it blocks the way to becoming a real person.”

I Know About Futility

I’ve been bobbing in this ocean for only a couple of seconds but in this short time I have known what fear truly is. That bitter taste of lead is stuck at the back of my throat, no matter how hard I try to swallow; my eyes brim with tears no matter how rapidly I try to blink them away and even then, I don’t want to close my eyes for too long because I’m afraid this vast and endless ocean will be the last thing I ever see.

There isn’t a single sign of life that I can see or even feel, it’s true that I can’t see what lurks beneath but I’m sure that the only thing I am now terrified of is drowning, nothing else. The ship was just here, seconds ago, but now it is gone, without a trace, seeming as though it never was. There is nothing to reach for in this endless stretch; there is nothing but me and this vast nothingness.

What am I even holding on for? Why am I trying so hard to stay alive? I don’t have a hope in this world that anyone will come for me; I don’t have a prayer in my heart that a miracle will save me. So what is the point of prolonging the inevitable? I am going to die here and there’s not going to be a soul on earth who will look for me for I am lost to all that have known me; no one can bring me back.

I’ve heard them say that in the instant before death, one’s life flashes before their eyes and it has always made me sad because I’ve wondered what I will see when it’s my turn. Well, I know the answer now- I see nothing. I can’t seem to bring to mind anything worth seeing one last time. Sure, I lived, I laughed, I worked, I had friends, I had family, there were enjoyable times; God knows there were plenty of those. I squeezed all I could out of the pleasures life gave and then I squeezed a little more. Whenever there was a problem, I just kept right on living, I figured, ‘life is too short to waste it on trying to fix stuff,’ so I just looked past everything to what would please me, and then I took that.

When the dam started to spring leaks, I plugged them in with more of whatever I could get; nothing could stop me. Yes, the ground may have been shifting beneath my feet, getting unstable in places, but I just stayed light on my feet, as long as no pressure was exerted, I was fine. But at that first crack, I knew. I knew that I had little time left to soak up all the enjoyment I could before the walls came tumbling down, ‘cause they would, and everyone could see it.

And then morning came, and as soon as I opened my eyes, the walls gave way, and the roof caved in, and I began to sink. I tried my hardest to hold on to something, ‘cause I really didn’t want to die but the harder I tried, the farther out to see I drifted until there was nothing left but me bobbing in this ocean, scared to death but fighting to stay alive.

THIS IS THE TIME

The month of December, ever fabulous!!! However, here, the month has begun with PHCN providing us light that shines as bright as a candle, not many candles, just one, and is just as depressing as darkness. However, my extension box is really cool so I can still plug appliances such as my laptop and my phone; I’m fine. Anyway, I’m so excited about this year’s December, maybe because it brings me closer to another December I look forward to (wink), or maybe it’s also the fact that it’s Christmas time again!!! I do know for sure though that it is NOT because I have to get back to school on the 19^th.

This year, Christmas, which is like the entire month to me, is going to be for understanding what life is and the purpose of it all. The beginning of sacrifice that Christ shouldered for us is what we celebrate in this time and I believe that this is the time for me to look beyond what I’ve always known and see my life what it truly is. I just wondered now what I’ve been doing with all these years if not living but then I know that a life lived just for one’s self, isn’t really life, it’s existence. I mean Christ didn’t come all the way down here to just save me and then leave, like I once heard, if that was all then I’d have gone to heaven immediately I got saved but I’m still here; there’s a reason for that. And in the next 30 days, I’m going to do my best to live the life that was given to me.

I’d like to ask that you do the same. I’m reading a book, “Outlive Your Life” by Max Lucado and it has so broadened my view on what life is. The book basically encourages us to do all we can to step out and help those around us, both spiritually and physically. It talks of stepping out of your comfort zone to share your life with people, no matter how far or near they may be; to stretch your arms out as wide as they can go and to wrap the world up in your love and kindness. Not just to be good and hospitable to those you know, but to also be kind to strangers, to the poor, to the homeless and not to lock yourself up in your own content and happy world where you shut out the fact that this world has problems-I’m so guilty!!!

I’m not asking you to do anything radical but I’m saying maybe you could do something nice for your parents in this season, something unexpected and without any strings attached; not something you’ll use as an ace to get what you want but something sweet and thoughtful.

You know that friend you call friend but don’t really act friends with? Yeah, maybe you could visit with her and her family this time and just make the effort for all of you to have fun.

If you have a special someone, this is a wonderful time to make that person know just how special they are because nothing tells more of life than love.

You’re the first of 2 children, or maybe 3, or maybe 4, and yes, I know how annoying they can be and how much you hate being mushy with them; it is now time for the tide to turn; nobody ever went to hell for being a good sister or brother.

The time to forgive any hurts and wrongs is now, because the message of love rings so loud and clear in us and around us. It’s time to cancel out those debts you’ve been holding on to for ages. It’s time to mend those broken fences and to restore the most precious of friendships.

Spend time in church, enjoy the carols and enjoy the fellowship; open yourself up to the joys that Christmas brings us day in, day out. Open up your heart to the message of Christmas, the Good News that Christ our Savior is even now with us for always and let it mean more than it ever has.

But most importantly, shine the light to those in darkness. Whether it’s the beggar you pass on the street everyday without a second glance, or those refugee kids whose touch you so detest, or it’s the woman with the little children who sells ‘agbado’ just to get by, or those children in the numerous motherless babies’ homes, or even someone you just met and would term under-privileged; NOW is the time to stretch your own life to touch theirs. And not just with food, or drinks, or money but with the message of life, which is the only thing that can actually change their lives forever. So get up and live beyond what you’ve always thought was acceptable…