I Know About Futility

I’ve been bobbing in this ocean for only a couple of seconds but in this short time I have known what fear truly is. That bitter taste of lead is stuck at the back of my throat, no matter how hard I try to swallow; my eyes brim with tears no matter how rapidly I try to blink them away and even then, I don’t want to close my eyes for too long because I’m afraid this vast and endless ocean will be the last thing I ever see.

There isn’t a single sign of life that I can see or even feel, it’s true that I can’t see what lurks beneath but I’m sure that the only thing I am now terrified of is drowning, nothing else. The ship was just here, seconds ago, but now it is gone, without a trace, seeming as though it never was. There is nothing to reach for in this endless stretch; there is nothing but me and this vast nothingness.

What am I even holding on for? Why am I trying so hard to stay alive? I don’t have a hope in this world that anyone will come for me; I don’t have a prayer in my heart that a miracle will save me. So what is the point of prolonging the inevitable? I am going to die here and there’s not going to be a soul on earth who will look for me for I am lost to all that have known me; no one can bring me back.

I’ve heard them say that in the instant before death, one’s life flashes before their eyes and it has always made me sad because I’ve wondered what I will see when it’s my turn. Well, I know the answer now- I see nothing. I can’t seem to bring to mind anything worth seeing one last time. Sure, I lived, I laughed, I worked, I had friends, I had family, there were enjoyable times; God knows there were plenty of those. I squeezed all I could out of the pleasures life gave and then I squeezed a little more. Whenever there was a problem, I just kept right on living, I figured, ‘life is too short to waste it on trying to fix stuff,’ so I just looked past everything to what would please me, and then I took that.

When the dam started to spring leaks, I plugged them in with more of whatever I could get; nothing could stop me. Yes, the ground may have been shifting beneath my feet, getting unstable in places, but I just stayed light on my feet, as long as no pressure was exerted, I was fine. But at that first crack, I knew. I knew that I had little time left to soak up all the enjoyment I could before the walls came tumbling down, ‘cause they would, and everyone could see it.

And then morning came, and as soon as I opened my eyes, the walls gave way, and the roof caved in, and I began to sink. I tried my hardest to hold on to something, ‘cause I really didn’t want to die but the harder I tried, the farther out to see I drifted until there was nothing left but me bobbing in this ocean, scared to death but fighting to stay alive.