Sights Of The Eyes

I watch him leave the house to go to work, as I do everyday, and I, as always, wonder what time he’ll get in tonight. He’ll probably call just before 7:00pm and tell me not to bother waiting on him for dinner; his little girl and I should just go ahead and eat. I look down as I blink back the tears, it wouldn’t do for her to see me this way, she is too little to understand. We’re happy; we’re a well adjusted, happy, loving family. And when those nagging voices come, I simply bury them where they can never see the light of day. We’re happy, and we’re going to remain happy. With a smile as bright as the sun, maybe a little too bright, I turn to hug my child and I sigh to myself, “Everything is alright.”

I can feel her eyes on me as I walk out the door. Why does she always do that; stare at me until I get in the car? What does she want from me? I’ve given her everything she has always wanted- she’s gotten the nice house, I’ve stowed her kid in the snotty private school she wanted; none of her friends drives anything nearly in the same class as she does; she gets her holidays; her shopping sprees; her lavish parties; I have given her everything, she can’t possibly want more!!! I’m entitled to this one thing for myself. This wasn’t the life I wanted, they all wanted it for me, and I live it every single day for them, now I’m getting what want because I deserve it. With a jaw set in determination, he takes the turn and tells himself, “I deserve this, if nothing else.”

“Daddy is sitting at the table, reading a newspaper, and mummy is drinking from a mug with her eyes closed, why aren’t they talking to each other?” the little one wonders. “Mummy probably has a headache and daddy doesn’t want to disturb her; mummy gets headaches a lot.” Still, she stays hidden, watching through the crack of the door, until daddy gets up and leaves for work. Why does mummy always watch him that way everyday? Is she crying? No, she couldn’t be, she is happy; she is always happy. Daddy kissed her goodbye when I wasn’t looking, that’s all; I blinked and he kissed her. He’ll come for dinner tonight, I’m sure of it, there’ll be no emer… emercy… ermcy… whatever the word is, there won’t be one. I’ll go give mummy a hug, she likes hugs. And as mummy holds her, the little one wishes with all her heart, “We’ll be together forever!!!”

“Denial is a defense against the fear of not being able to deal with a situation that has occurred or is likely to occur… it blocks the way to becoming a real person.”