“Every time I see her walk down the hall, I turn and walk the other way. I can’t bear to face her after what I did. There’s no point in trying to get her to forgive me. It’s better if we both just go our separate ways; life will continue. We were close before and now we’re not close anymore, no big deal. Maybe I don’t even deserve friends. She’s better off without me. I should probably just be on my own from now on. There’s no point in me making friends with someone else only for me to do something stupid and hurt that person to. I don’t deserve to have any friends. I have just one more year here; I can be fine without anybody. When school is over, I’ll move on to a new place and I’ll be better there.”
Penance is what you’ll call it isn’t it? You’ve done something wrong and you’re supposed to pay for it, no questions asked. You know what I think? You don’t have to answer that because I’m going to tell you anyway; I think it’s a load of horse manure. We all recognize when we’ve done something wrong but we’re too scared to face up to it so we carry around the guilt and a false sense of restitution which is in actuality just an escape route. No one wants to be faced with the magnitude of their sin so they don’t have to feel bad about themselves, so when we do wrong, we talk ourselves down and put our heads down in shame.
How many friendships have been destroyed because of this false sense of guilt? You know you haven’t called someone in a really long time, so you put it off and eventually tell yourself that there’s no point anymore because the person is probably to mad at you now to pick up if you call; so that’s that. You hurt someone with something you did, so you pull back from the person and convince yourself that he/she is better off without you. You’re afraid to truly take responsibility for your actions so you don’t ever make anything right, you just keep moving on, leaving a trail of broken and unfulfilled relationships in your wake. You become frustrated, unhappy and dissatisfied because you’ve broken yourself emotionally.
Even with God, the one we ALL know that forgives us ALL sins. When we sin against him, we wallow in it and beat ourselves down. We say things like, “I’ve let God down too many times,” or “if I go to Him now, I’ll still turn around and do it again.” We give all these excuses and just continue to stew in guilt, making God less of who He is. This so called penance, I read, is just a form of religious masochism whereby we inflict punishment on ourselves. You should feel bad when you’ve done wrong, but you don’t have the right to feel defeated. True remorse always brings with it repentance.
A repentant heart goes to the one wronged and says I’m sorry. Only a repentant heart can truly receive forgiveness. And only one that has been forgiven can receive strength to keep on the right track.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
My meditations; Wealth
“You can’t break a principle, you can only break yourself against a principle,” I read these words from an article written by Chuks Nwabueze for The New Woman Magazine (available in stores soon) and today I think on how true those words are.
We all search for fulfillment; we want to know that we have been able to achieve something worthwhile that everyone can be proud of. Whether it’s the father who wants his son to be a lawyer by all means; or the mother who wants to take her place in society by marrying her daughter off to the highest bidder; or the child who just wants to be able to make a decision for himself without adult interference; or the man who wants to stack those million dollar chips under his belt just for the sake of it, we all search avidly for fulfillment. And most times, fulfillment equals money.
Money in terms of spending power, status, independence, honor, whatever, after all, money makes the world go round. Of course, the student who is looking for that First Class result in school will have the personal satisfaction of being ‘the best’ but what is it all for actually, -to get a high paying job so that one can be comfortable. Maybe I shouldn’t call it money; maybe I should say wealth, or riches, I think that encompasses it all better. We are all in that pursuit of happiness which is actually a pursuit of wealth.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God1; why is that? It is simple really. We send our lives amassing all kinds of wealth and then we go to church to alleviate our guilt. The rich man who wouldn’t sell all he had and give to the poor actually wanted to get into the Kingdom, he even kept all the laws from his youth2, and we all know how hard it is to keep the laws, especially in your youth, but he so much wanted it but he had a whole mass of wealth and he couldn’t let go. So nowadays, what we do as keeping all the laws, is that we go to church and give tremendously of the wealth we have amassed, we serve on committees, we sing in the choir, we are super friendly to everyone but as soon as wealth calls, we go running to it because that is what we have reduced ourselves to; wealth.
And in all of this, wealth is a wonderful thing that God created for us to have, for He knows that we have need of these things3. The First Law of the Kingdom is simple, “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you.”4 But what we do is that we seek all these things hoping that it’ll make us happy and comfortable enough to go to church, like that is all there is. The law is simple; surrender yourself to God and everything else will be taken care of. Not that things will take care of themselves, but that things will be taken care of. You will still go to school to get that degree; you will still work to get paid; you will still read to have knowledge; but above all, you will know the eternal relevance of it all so that it will work for you, rather than enslave you.
The eternal relevance of what you do makes it yours so that no one can ever take it away from you. It allows you to lay up those treasures for yourself where neither moth nor rust can corrupt and where thieves do not break through or steal.5 In other words, eternal relevance keeps you protected from feelings of ‘not-good-enough’ or feelings of ‘she’s-better-than-me’ or feelings of depression because things didn’t go the way you planned, or feelings of ‘I-want-more-cars-than-the-Jones’;’ it keeps you from being cheated out of your reward or profit; it keeps you from having your life destroyed by mishaps; the eternal relevance that you can only find in the Kingdom of God.
So the rich don’t find it hard to get in because they are wealthy, they find it hard because they don’t have their wealth in the Kingdom; they have it rather than the Kingdom. God very much intends for you to prosper, the riches of the world have been laid up for you, the best of the best in this world has been handed over to you on a silver platter but to have it, you must recognize the hand that gives it and much more you must seek the face of Him that gives it.
Stop chasing fulfillment and surrender all of yourself to God. He gave you the brain you’re trying to force all that information into; he gave me these hands that I am using to type these words and the heart to search them out; he gave you that business acumen that you so want to convert to money and success so desperately; he gave you that creativity that seems to be bursting out every pore in your body; so let Him show you what He will have you do with it. Be more interested in ‘God things’ and you’ll see how beautifully your plans were made to fit into that same Kingdom. You’ll win both ways; you’ll receive manifold more in this present time and in the world to come, life everlasting.6 Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and ALL these things shall be added unto you- you can’t break the principle, you can only break yourself against it.
1.Luke 18:25 2.Luke 18:18-21 3.Matt 6:32 4.Matt 6:33 5.Matt 6:20 6.Luke 18:29&30
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
We all search for fulfillment; we want to know that we have been able to achieve something worthwhile that everyone can be proud of. Whether it’s the father who wants his son to be a lawyer by all means; or the mother who wants to take her place in society by marrying her daughter off to the highest bidder; or the child who just wants to be able to make a decision for himself without adult interference; or the man who wants to stack those million dollar chips under his belt just for the sake of it, we all search avidly for fulfillment. And most times, fulfillment equals money.
Money in terms of spending power, status, independence, honor, whatever, after all, money makes the world go round. Of course, the student who is looking for that First Class result in school will have the personal satisfaction of being ‘the best’ but what is it all for actually, -to get a high paying job so that one can be comfortable. Maybe I shouldn’t call it money; maybe I should say wealth, or riches, I think that encompasses it all better. We are all in that pursuit of happiness which is actually a pursuit of wealth.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God1; why is that? It is simple really. We send our lives amassing all kinds of wealth and then we go to church to alleviate our guilt. The rich man who wouldn’t sell all he had and give to the poor actually wanted to get into the Kingdom, he even kept all the laws from his youth2, and we all know how hard it is to keep the laws, especially in your youth, but he so much wanted it but he had a whole mass of wealth and he couldn’t let go. So nowadays, what we do as keeping all the laws, is that we go to church and give tremendously of the wealth we have amassed, we serve on committees, we sing in the choir, we are super friendly to everyone but as soon as wealth calls, we go running to it because that is what we have reduced ourselves to; wealth.
And in all of this, wealth is a wonderful thing that God created for us to have, for He knows that we have need of these things3. The First Law of the Kingdom is simple, “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you.”4 But what we do is that we seek all these things hoping that it’ll make us happy and comfortable enough to go to church, like that is all there is. The law is simple; surrender yourself to God and everything else will be taken care of. Not that things will take care of themselves, but that things will be taken care of. You will still go to school to get that degree; you will still work to get paid; you will still read to have knowledge; but above all, you will know the eternal relevance of it all so that it will work for you, rather than enslave you.
The eternal relevance of what you do makes it yours so that no one can ever take it away from you. It allows you to lay up those treasures for yourself where neither moth nor rust can corrupt and where thieves do not break through or steal.5 In other words, eternal relevance keeps you protected from feelings of ‘not-good-enough’ or feelings of ‘she’s-better-than-me’ or feelings of depression because things didn’t go the way you planned, or feelings of ‘I-want-more-cars-than-the-Jones’;’ it keeps you from being cheated out of your reward or profit; it keeps you from having your life destroyed by mishaps; the eternal relevance that you can only find in the Kingdom of God.
So the rich don’t find it hard to get in because they are wealthy, they find it hard because they don’t have their wealth in the Kingdom; they have it rather than the Kingdom. God very much intends for you to prosper, the riches of the world have been laid up for you, the best of the best in this world has been handed over to you on a silver platter but to have it, you must recognize the hand that gives it and much more you must seek the face of Him that gives it.
Stop chasing fulfillment and surrender all of yourself to God. He gave you the brain you’re trying to force all that information into; he gave me these hands that I am using to type these words and the heart to search them out; he gave you that business acumen that you so want to convert to money and success so desperately; he gave you that creativity that seems to be bursting out every pore in your body; so let Him show you what He will have you do with it. Be more interested in ‘God things’ and you’ll see how beautifully your plans were made to fit into that same Kingdom. You’ll win both ways; you’ll receive manifold more in this present time and in the world to come, life everlasting.6 Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and ALL these things shall be added unto you- you can’t break the principle, you can only break yourself against it.
1.Luke 18:25 2.Luke 18:18-21 3.Matt 6:32 4.Matt 6:33 5.Matt 6:20 6.Luke 18:29&30
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Monday, November 28, 2011
My Meditations; Love
It said that he was afraid of the dangers and the challenges of love so he caused himself to be detached and therefore defeated. I believe that the greatest obstacle to love is the fear that your love won’t be reciprocated and would be taken for granted; maybe because this has been a real challenge for me. I’ve pulled back from friendships because I was hurt and I felt I was being cheated out of my feelings and I didn’t want that to happen. I have felt a high level of discomfort in so many of my relationships and I assumed it was okay to feel that and to therefore pull back, but I think I’m learning different now.
Nobody is perfect, I understand that completely but at the same time, there is a thin line between imperfection and being a bad person. Is there even any such thing as a bad person? Surely, there is good in everyone but when you go out of your way to not display that good, I think there’s a serious problem. Do I even have the right to look at anybody and call them bad? But it makes me wonder; will anyone ever look at me and call me bad? I surely hope not. I want to believe that I have been a good person, that I have been fair and that I have loved. But there have been failings; and the biggest one is that I have not truly loved completely.
Emotions get in the way but they were not created to. I believe they were created to give expression. What I allow them to express is solely up to me. Take happiness for example, I recently learned that it is an emotion not a destination. All our lives, we hope to accomplish that one thing that will truly make us happy and we ignore the fact that we can be happy every single day of our lives. I can choose to look around and express that feeling of happiness rather than stop living because I feel sad. It is basically point of view. Do I do things because I feel a certain way? Or, do I feel a certain way because of the wonders I see in my life? Emotions are tools to my living a fulfilled life, they aren’t the drivers of my wheel, neither are they my destination.
The key element, anyone would say, in a romantic relationship is, LOVE! Love is what makes the mushy moments sweeter; love is what makes the gifts mean more; love is what makes time together seem more precious; love is what gives hope when all else seems to be failing; love is what makes you speak to her even when you’re seething in anger; love is what makes you tell him “I love you” even when you think he is being unreasonable. But maybe it is a little deeper than that; maybe it is more and then again, maybe it is less. I think that beyond all else, it is being comfortable in your love. Perfect love casts out fear- not one type of fear, but fear. Being comfortable in your love is being able to look at that person, and see all the possibilities and being able to stand firm and trust.
Maybe it’s just me but that silent and encompassing trust is difficult; being steady in that love. Probably, it is because I fear that if even I cannot handle the depth of what I’m experiencing right now, there is no way that I can give it to you. But I see that, that is love, pouring yourself out and trusting that your partner will be there to receive all there is of you and together, you’ll handle it. It is not being afraid to give every single thing and not choose to keep some in reserve out of fear that you will fail. It is being comfortable in ‘our’ love.
Why am I writing of romantic love? Anyway, it applies to other things to, I am finding out. God is our greatest example of love, yes? And He shows us His love, day-in, day-out. He never shirks His responsibility to us and He never withholds anything from us, He loves us truly and completely. However, I am finding that I have spoken of this love, and experienced it but there’s much to do in terms of trusting completely in His love. God’s love is ever sure, that’s a given, but I don’t always act like I believe it. Furthermore, I don’t always love Him back when I say I do.
Love is life; actions. If I love God, I will follow His commandment. What is His commandment? That I love Him and that I love my fellow man. Do I love my fellow man? No, I do not always completely love. Why? Because I am afraid I will be rejected or taken advantage of or hurt. But I though perfect love casts out fear? YES, IT DOES!!!
So, the conclusion of my musing is this- I need to be comfortable enough in God’s love to trust Him and to love Him in return. And I can only love Him by loving you all. And this is the wonderful part, I don’t have to be afraid of you hurting me, rejecting me or taking advantage of me because in God’s love for me, He takes care of my hurts and He reminds me everyday in so many ways that He loves me and that His love is tangible and palpable. So I am able to love you completely without reserve because the well it comes from is full and unending. Secondly, I am not afraid to love you because love is an example, and as God teaches me to love, I teach you also to love, and you’ll teach someone else, and it just keeps getting better. Without love, we are all detached and defeated and yes, it is challenging a lot of the time but get comfortable in love, sink your roots deep into love and draw from there.
Nobody is perfect, I understand that completely but at the same time, there is a thin line between imperfection and being a bad person. Is there even any such thing as a bad person? Surely, there is good in everyone but when you go out of your way to not display that good, I think there’s a serious problem. Do I even have the right to look at anybody and call them bad? But it makes me wonder; will anyone ever look at me and call me bad? I surely hope not. I want to believe that I have been a good person, that I have been fair and that I have loved. But there have been failings; and the biggest one is that I have not truly loved completely.
Emotions get in the way but they were not created to. I believe they were created to give expression. What I allow them to express is solely up to me. Take happiness for example, I recently learned that it is an emotion not a destination. All our lives, we hope to accomplish that one thing that will truly make us happy and we ignore the fact that we can be happy every single day of our lives. I can choose to look around and express that feeling of happiness rather than stop living because I feel sad. It is basically point of view. Do I do things because I feel a certain way? Or, do I feel a certain way because of the wonders I see in my life? Emotions are tools to my living a fulfilled life, they aren’t the drivers of my wheel, neither are they my destination.
The key element, anyone would say, in a romantic relationship is, LOVE! Love is what makes the mushy moments sweeter; love is what makes the gifts mean more; love is what makes time together seem more precious; love is what gives hope when all else seems to be failing; love is what makes you speak to her even when you’re seething in anger; love is what makes you tell him “I love you” even when you think he is being unreasonable. But maybe it is a little deeper than that; maybe it is more and then again, maybe it is less. I think that beyond all else, it is being comfortable in your love. Perfect love casts out fear- not one type of fear, but fear. Being comfortable in your love is being able to look at that person, and see all the possibilities and being able to stand firm and trust.
Maybe it’s just me but that silent and encompassing trust is difficult; being steady in that love. Probably, it is because I fear that if even I cannot handle the depth of what I’m experiencing right now, there is no way that I can give it to you. But I see that, that is love, pouring yourself out and trusting that your partner will be there to receive all there is of you and together, you’ll handle it. It is not being afraid to give every single thing and not choose to keep some in reserve out of fear that you will fail. It is being comfortable in ‘our’ love.
Why am I writing of romantic love? Anyway, it applies to other things to, I am finding out. God is our greatest example of love, yes? And He shows us His love, day-in, day-out. He never shirks His responsibility to us and He never withholds anything from us, He loves us truly and completely. However, I am finding that I have spoken of this love, and experienced it but there’s much to do in terms of trusting completely in His love. God’s love is ever sure, that’s a given, but I don’t always act like I believe it. Furthermore, I don’t always love Him back when I say I do.
Love is life; actions. If I love God, I will follow His commandment. What is His commandment? That I love Him and that I love my fellow man. Do I love my fellow man? No, I do not always completely love. Why? Because I am afraid I will be rejected or taken advantage of or hurt. But I though perfect love casts out fear? YES, IT DOES!!!
So, the conclusion of my musing is this- I need to be comfortable enough in God’s love to trust Him and to love Him in return. And I can only love Him by loving you all. And this is the wonderful part, I don’t have to be afraid of you hurting me, rejecting me or taking advantage of me because in God’s love for me, He takes care of my hurts and He reminds me everyday in so many ways that He loves me and that His love is tangible and palpable. So I am able to love you completely without reserve because the well it comes from is full and unending. Secondly, I am not afraid to love you because love is an example, and as God teaches me to love, I teach you also to love, and you’ll teach someone else, and it just keeps getting better. Without love, we are all detached and defeated and yes, it is challenging a lot of the time but get comfortable in love, sink your roots deep into love and draw from there.
Monday, April 25, 2011
We know
Strumming my pain with your fingers
Singing my life with your words
Killing me softly with your song
As much as you know; as little as I do.
You tell me all the things I want to hear
And you say them so sweetly
You're in and around my heart
And I'm pleased to have you there.
You strengthen that which is my flesh
And it excites me when you do
You understand my emotions like no other
And you help me to know that I'm right.
You never leave me alone, always with me
You walk me to class & back to my room
You keep me company when I study
You rock me to sleep at night.
My dreams & my ambitions are held together by you
My love & my life is at your command
I've always felt like you're true to me
Like you're the only one I can trust.
It was hard for me to find out that you lie
I cried when I realized you wanted to destroy me
I felt used knowing that your entertainment was a ploy
You understood me, yes
But that was the tool to destroying me.
You showed me things that are pure but distorted them in my mind
You spun me around in darkness so I wouldn't know the way to light
You tried to take my soul by poisoning my mind
You blocked all reason & turned me to emotions.
You took the things I loved so dear
The people that loved me too
You made yourself my alpha and I made you the omega.
And now the lies you told are the truths I live in
Now I am all those things you told me I was
But I don't want you anymore
I want to know who I really am; who I can be.
But you'll never show me that
You'll only give what you need to go on
And I finally figured out why.
If you let me see who I am,
I'll know that I'm above you
I'll know that I don't need you
I'll know that I'm the one with life, not you
I'll know that I don't need your validation
I'll know that my decisions are mine
I'll know that I owe you nothing.
I'm finding out so many things about you
Things I wish I knew before now
But I'm not too worried about it
Because the most important thing is
I know its never too late to walk away from you.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
It's As Much Your Sin!
“I had never had to fight so hard for anything in my life. Today, I find myself fighting to save my marriage. I know what would happen if I let this situation spin out on its own; I would be left without a life and I can’t let that happen. I love my husband, I love my children, I love who I am when I’m with them and I love the life that we have. I’m not going to give that up just because of a passion that should never have been. I’ve made up my mind. I’m sorry but I cannot see you anymore.”
Nothing could ever make me forget these words for as long as I live. As I hit send I knew I was doing the right thing but it hurt like hell. I began to think I shouldn’t have sent something like that via email but I knew if I decided to go and see him, I might not do what I was meant to do. Maybe I’m a coward but that’s just the way it ought to be. My phone rang 5 minutes after; it was him. I didn’t pick up, I couldn’t. I knew what would happen if I did. He would convince me to meet him somewhere to talk this through, which was not a good idea. My phone rang numerous times after that but I just ignored the longing to hear the deep rumble of his voice.
“Hey, pick up the phone. I know you’re there. Please, I just want to talk.”
I wanted to reply, to tell him to leave me alone but I knew a clean break was best. I deleted the message immediately. I struggled through the day to not call him or respond to his numerous messages, at some point, I even saw him in my office but of course, it wasn’t him. I drove home working up the right attitude and frame of mind to handle spending time with my family without tipping anybody off on the turmoil that was my emotions. As I walked through the door my 9year old daughter came screaming at me full speed ahead, her 5year old twin brothers were not very far behind. I hugged all three of them at once as they loved the way I squeezed them whenever I did and they all giggled. I sat in the living room to watch them play for a while as Sade, the help, brought me a drink. My husband came in about an hour after. He looked extra good in my eyes today. He played with the kids regularly and they loved him for it, they were all laughing so hard. I reveled in the sound. This was good, this was home.
“Are you alright?” Dotun asked as we settled in for the night.
“Yes, of course.” I said trying to look calm.
“Who was that on the phone before?” He asked still staring at me.
“Uhm, it was a message. It was work related.” I hated lying to him.
“Everything okay there?”
“Dotun, I already told you, everything is fine. There is no problem.”
“Okay, just checking. Goodnight hon. I love you.”
“I love you too. Goodnight.”
I waited until he fell asleep before I let the tears fall. What had I done? I picked up my phone and read the text message again.
“Darling, why are you doing this to me? What did I do wrong? Whatever it is, I’m sorry, but please, you have to talk to me. I’ll call you again tomorrow. We really have to talk, please. I love you. I know you love me too. We’ll work this out. It’ll be fine. I promise.”
What had I gotten myself into? I didn’t intend for all this to happen. It was all just harmless, I swear it was innocent. I never slept with him; we never even kissed, at least not outside of my mind. But that in itself was bad enough. I had always been a good person; good daughter, good sister, good student, good friend, good employee, good wife and a good mother. It wasn’t like me to do something this reckless and irresponsible but I seem to have found myself paddling this boat alone. As I lay beside my husband of 10 years I began to think of how I got myself into this mess in the first place.
As the official secretary to the CEO of the company I worked for I was expected to travel with my boss whenever he needed me. It was on one of these trips to Lagos that I met Etenye. He happened to be staying at the same hotel we were, he was also there in Lagos on business. We got talking one Saturday afternoon by the hotel pool and it was comfortable. Most men just stare at my body in such situations even when my husband is right next to me but he wasn’t like that, we were having a real conversation, he even made me laugh a couple of times. We didn’t even realize that we didn’t know each other’s names until I was about to head back in. He took my number and said he would call once he was back in Abuja. At that point I didn’t think anything was wrong.
He did call when he got back and we saw each other a couple of times, nothing out of the ordinary. His calls became more frequent and I began to look forward to them. It wasn’t until Dotun asked one night who I had just gotten off the phone with, after having a conversation with Etenye, and I said “my sister” did I get the nagging feeling that something was wrong. I pushed all of that aside and reasoned $y husband would just get upset over nothing if I had told him the truth. It really was nothing, so I told myself.
The first gift Etenye bought me was a gold keychain with my name on it in little diamonds. It was such an expensive gift but he said it wasn’t something he couldn’t get for any of his other friends so I took it. That’s when the second lie came, I told my husband it was a gift from the folks at my office and I wasn’t the only one who had gotten one. The gifts became as regular as the phone calls and the meetings and I felt myself falling for him but I wasn’t going to do anything about it so it didn’t matter. Nothing changed at home. I was still as involved in my children’s lives and as loving to my husband but now I had more, I had Etenye. He looked at me with such adoration in his eyes, and I felt everything he was thinking when he spoke to me. He was going to say “I love you” once but I hushed him before he could, it would ruin things. The day my heart fell at his feet, was the day he took me dancing.
Dotun hated dancing. Before we got married I had begged him to go to a dancing coach with me so we could have a couple’s dance but he had done it so grudgingly and his attitude during the lesson was so unpleasant I just let the whole idea go. But Etenye, he was such a good dancer. It was like his feet didn’t touch the ground and he took me along as he flew about the place. At the final dip our eyes locked and passion singed the air. I wanted him and he wanted me. in that moment there was nobody but us, there was nowhere, no time, no space, no boundaries; just the vast ocean of his eyes, the curve of his lips, his breath. I saw it in his eyes, his desire, and it stirred up something within me. All my dreams and fantasies about this moment didn’t come close to the real thing. He lowered his head to mine and just as we would touch I realized that this moment didn’t hold a candle to waking up every morning to my darling husband and my kids. I pushed up and out of his arms and flew out the door. It didn't occur to me that I didn't have my car, Ijust ran.
I pulled my self together after taking a cab back to my office where my car was parked. I sat in the driver's seat of my car and wept all over the steering wheel. How could I have come so close to throwing away my marriage? I made up my mind not to see him anymore and I drove home with that resolve, it was a struggle to make it through the motions. I sent the message as soon as I could at my office the next day. That night, as I lay beside my husband I knew I had made the right decision, but my heart still ached. Dotun opened his eyes to my muffled sob and looked at me, questions in his eyes. I just looked down at him, smiled and said "I love you." He stretched out his arm and as I lay down against him I pushed all thoughts of Etenye aside, this was where I belonged.
Nothing could ever make me forget these words for as long as I live. As I hit send I knew I was doing the right thing but it hurt like hell. I began to think I shouldn’t have sent something like that via email but I knew if I decided to go and see him, I might not do what I was meant to do. Maybe I’m a coward but that’s just the way it ought to be. My phone rang 5 minutes after; it was him. I didn’t pick up, I couldn’t. I knew what would happen if I did. He would convince me to meet him somewhere to talk this through, which was not a good idea. My phone rang numerous times after that but I just ignored the longing to hear the deep rumble of his voice.
“Hey, pick up the phone. I know you’re there. Please, I just want to talk.”
I wanted to reply, to tell him to leave me alone but I knew a clean break was best. I deleted the message immediately. I struggled through the day to not call him or respond to his numerous messages, at some point, I even saw him in my office but of course, it wasn’t him. I drove home working up the right attitude and frame of mind to handle spending time with my family without tipping anybody off on the turmoil that was my emotions. As I walked through the door my 9year old daughter came screaming at me full speed ahead, her 5year old twin brothers were not very far behind. I hugged all three of them at once as they loved the way I squeezed them whenever I did and they all giggled. I sat in the living room to watch them play for a while as Sade, the help, brought me a drink. My husband came in about an hour after. He looked extra good in my eyes today. He played with the kids regularly and they loved him for it, they were all laughing so hard. I reveled in the sound. This was good, this was home.
“Are you alright?” Dotun asked as we settled in for the night.
“Yes, of course.” I said trying to look calm.
“Who was that on the phone before?” He asked still staring at me.
“Uhm, it was a message. It was work related.” I hated lying to him.
“Everything okay there?”
“Dotun, I already told you, everything is fine. There is no problem.”
“Okay, just checking. Goodnight hon. I love you.”
“I love you too. Goodnight.”
I waited until he fell asleep before I let the tears fall. What had I done? I picked up my phone and read the text message again.
“Darling, why are you doing this to me? What did I do wrong? Whatever it is, I’m sorry, but please, you have to talk to me. I’ll call you again tomorrow. We really have to talk, please. I love you. I know you love me too. We’ll work this out. It’ll be fine. I promise.”
What had I gotten myself into? I didn’t intend for all this to happen. It was all just harmless, I swear it was innocent. I never slept with him; we never even kissed, at least not outside of my mind. But that in itself was bad enough. I had always been a good person; good daughter, good sister, good student, good friend, good employee, good wife and a good mother. It wasn’t like me to do something this reckless and irresponsible but I seem to have found myself paddling this boat alone. As I lay beside my husband of 10 years I began to think of how I got myself into this mess in the first place.
As the official secretary to the CEO of the company I worked for I was expected to travel with my boss whenever he needed me. It was on one of these trips to Lagos that I met Etenye. He happened to be staying at the same hotel we were, he was also there in Lagos on business. We got talking one Saturday afternoon by the hotel pool and it was comfortable. Most men just stare at my body in such situations even when my husband is right next to me but he wasn’t like that, we were having a real conversation, he even made me laugh a couple of times. We didn’t even realize that we didn’t know each other’s names until I was about to head back in. He took my number and said he would call once he was back in Abuja. At that point I didn’t think anything was wrong.
He did call when he got back and we saw each other a couple of times, nothing out of the ordinary. His calls became more frequent and I began to look forward to them. It wasn’t until Dotun asked one night who I had just gotten off the phone with, after having a conversation with Etenye, and I said “my sister” did I get the nagging feeling that something was wrong. I pushed all of that aside and reasoned $y husband would just get upset over nothing if I had told him the truth. It really was nothing, so I told myself.
The first gift Etenye bought me was a gold keychain with my name on it in little diamonds. It was such an expensive gift but he said it wasn’t something he couldn’t get for any of his other friends so I took it. That’s when the second lie came, I told my husband it was a gift from the folks at my office and I wasn’t the only one who had gotten one. The gifts became as regular as the phone calls and the meetings and I felt myself falling for him but I wasn’t going to do anything about it so it didn’t matter. Nothing changed at home. I was still as involved in my children’s lives and as loving to my husband but now I had more, I had Etenye. He looked at me with such adoration in his eyes, and I felt everything he was thinking when he spoke to me. He was going to say “I love you” once but I hushed him before he could, it would ruin things. The day my heart fell at his feet, was the day he took me dancing.
Dotun hated dancing. Before we got married I had begged him to go to a dancing coach with me so we could have a couple’s dance but he had done it so grudgingly and his attitude during the lesson was so unpleasant I just let the whole idea go. But Etenye, he was such a good dancer. It was like his feet didn’t touch the ground and he took me along as he flew about the place. At the final dip our eyes locked and passion singed the air. I wanted him and he wanted me. in that moment there was nobody but us, there was nowhere, no time, no space, no boundaries; just the vast ocean of his eyes, the curve of his lips, his breath. I saw it in his eyes, his desire, and it stirred up something within me. All my dreams and fantasies about this moment didn’t come close to the real thing. He lowered his head to mine and just as we would touch I realized that this moment didn’t hold a candle to waking up every morning to my darling husband and my kids. I pushed up and out of his arms and flew out the door. It didn't occur to me that I didn't have my car, Ijust ran.
I pulled my self together after taking a cab back to my office where my car was parked. I sat in the driver's seat of my car and wept all over the steering wheel. How could I have come so close to throwing away my marriage? I made up my mind not to see him anymore and I drove home with that resolve, it was a struggle to make it through the motions. I sent the message as soon as I could at my office the next day. That night, as I lay beside my husband I knew I had made the right decision, but my heart still ached. Dotun opened his eyes to my muffled sob and looked at me, questions in his eyes. I just looked down at him, smiled and said "I love you." He stretched out his arm and as I lay down against him I pushed all thoughts of Etenye aside, this was where I belonged.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
you've got a forest in your eye...
Anticipation is building as girls rush out of rooms and run right into others. Gowns flying, heels clicking, tongues wagging, lips smacking, they fly from pillar to post just so they don’t miss what is coming.
A girl screams out, “Where in the world is my lipstick? ADETOLA!”
“Oops! Sorry. My bad.”
And just like that, the banter goes on and on. Everyone wants to look their best, for they are coming soon and they will only take those who are ready for the task ahead. In a very short while, the call will come and for those who get on board, the journey begins, for those who don’t, they’ve missed the only chance they’ll ever get.
I step into my room, hoping for the comfort of solitude, but much to my surprise I find that the commotion I witnessed outside cannot hold a candle to the tornado of events raging in my room. Clothes are strewn all over the place, there is make-up covering every inch of the dressing table, there are voices coming from every angle of the room and about seven mouths to go with those voices, none of which I recognize. I step around the clutter, confusion evident in my face, searching for a familiar face. My roommate then walks in, dressed to kill.
“Wow! Where are you off too?” I know that’s a stupid question. I obviously know where she’s off to but I refuse to believe it.
“Oh, I’m off to have fun, darling. Obviously from the way you’re dressed we’re not heading to the same place.”
“Well, except if you intend to have fun in your bed all by yourself, no, we are not heading to the same place.” I said as I moved between the staring eyes.
I sit on my bed as I watch them all get ready, awestruck. Lipstick is traded, eye shadow applied, dresses are adjusted, shoes are worn, all in the mind to dazzle whatever audience cares to observe. The end result is jaw dropping.
My roommate is dressed in a snug, backless, micro-mini aquamarine gown, with a dipping neckline, gold strappy heels, and her hair cascading down her back like a waterfall; obviously she just put in the extensions that day. The only piece of jewellery worn, tiny gold studs in her ears and a thin gold bracelet I had given her on her birthday. The others are also clad in a variety of skimpy to slutty, a mini skirt here, daisy duke shorts there, with attitudes to match too.
“Ladun darling, how do I look?” she spins so I can get a good look of the dress, though there isn’t really much to see.
I raise an eyebrow in response.
She gives a hearty laugh, “Just the expression I was looking for. Mission accomplished.”
“Right, yay you!”
“Anyway, we’re off. I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Bye.”
As they all step out, the excitement they feel evident in their chatter, I feel a cold knot form in the pit of my belly; dread shoots through every fiber of my being and leaves me shaken. I call out to my roommate.
“Sade, wait.”
“Ladun, you look horrible what’s wrong?”
“Don’t go for the party, please don’t go.”
“What in the world is the matter with you? We’re just going to have some fun and be right back in the morning, no harm done. Just chill, ok?”
“No, I can’t chill. You can’t go, what if you don’t come right back? Please just listen to me, you’re not meant to go. Please don’t go, please!” At this point, I am hysterical. The more she remains adamant to go, the bigger the knot forms.
“LADUN, I am going! Stop making a fool of both of us and just go back to the room.”
The call comes in then. It sounds more like a clarion call of doom to me.
“See, I have to go. Just calm down ok, everything will be just fine. I’ll see you later.”
“Sade…”
“LADUN, SEE YOU IN THE MORNING!”
As she walks away I know that is the last time I will ever see her take a step.
I hear the news of her death at about 3a.m, but I have already shed so many tears my eyes are almost swollen shut. The circumstances surrounding her death, so grotesque; I cannot stop myself from throwing up. Her body has been found chopped to little pieces with only her eyes missing from their sockets. The pieces left floating in a pool of the blood of all the various victims unfortunate enough to have found themselves in such a situation. All victims have empty sockets where their eyes should be. As this information is being relayed to me, a girl runs in panting. We all rush to her aid because she seems frightened beyond measure. Although her clothes are tattered, we can tell where she is coming from. We ask her several questions including her name, what happened, how she got here, amongst others but all she keeps saying is “Jesus.” The moment a word is said to her she says “Jesus.” She’s shaking like a leaf, muttering the name “Jesus” over and over again. Someone arrives with a blanket and wraps her with it, holding her really close. I have already begun to pray in the spirit. Finally, she speaks out.
“They selected a couple of us and put us in their cars.” She starts in between sobs. “After a while, some of us began to notice that we had been driving for hours on a deserted road that didn’t have an end in sight. We called out to our driver to stop but he wouldn’t, he wouldn’t even look at us.” She looks at me then, “I was in the car with Sade.” I just rub her arm and motion for her to go on, still praying under my breath. She continued, “Sade grabbed the guy’s arm and screamed at him to stop the car. It was then he turned and looked at her.” She begins to sob again. “His eyes had changed. It was all black. His eyes were like deep pools of blackness. They seemed endless in depth yet vacant of life. Sade froze in her seat for like three seconds, and then let out this blood-curling scream that seemed to echo into the darkness all around us.” She is rocking back and forth now. “He started to laugh. It was a deep booming sound of elation, like he had won some kind of victory. My heart was beating so erratically, I thought it would fly right out of my chest.” She seems to have calmed down a bit now. “The convoy seemed to stop then and we were all dragged out of the cars we had been put in. from the look in the other’s eyes, they already knew something horrible was about to happen. They lined us up in pairs and then walked around us chanting something and sprinkling powder as they went along. After that, they took us one after the other and tied us up with wet rope. I didn’t know why it was wet then, but seeing myself now, it was probably soaked in blood. All of a sudden there was this whizzing noise, like some machine was being powered up. I wondered what it was until I heard the sound mix with screams of agony as metal blades cut through skin. I turned my head to see and I watched as one of the girls was sawed in half.” She bows her head and goes quiet then, we all do!
“How come you escaped, Laide?”
“I was the last one they approached. As one of them walked up to me, the chain saw in his hand, I began to whimper “Jesus”. With every step he took, I said “Jesus” a little louder. He began to stagger backwards and when I noticed, I screamed “Jesus” a little louder. Then all of them began to stagger, I screamed even louder, “Jesus”. They begged me to stop but I wouldn’t, I just screamed louder. It was then I noticed that I could move. I looked down at myself and realized the chains were loosed. I got up then and ran as fast as I could, it was like I received a surge of strength. I didn’t even know where I was going, I just ran. I began to notice familiar landmarks after a while I knew I was heading straight here.” She lets out a breath then, as though she is relieved to have it all out in the open.
I looked at her and asked, “Do you know why they cut out their eyes?”
“Their eyes weren’t cut out while I was there, but I do know that when I said “Jesus”, their eyes began to bleed.”
We clean up her cuts and bruises as best as we can. Knowing that there is no comfort we can offer to one another to ease the grief, we solemnly disperse to our various rooms, after all, life doesn’t stop because we’re in pain. As I lie on my bed, I know that sleep is no where on the horizon no matter how tight I shut my eyes. My mind begins to wander.
Laide is not a Christian as such, in fact, if anybody is a staunch follower of the things of the world it would be her, yet, she understood the basic principle of the power in the name of Jesus. She understood that when it came to crunch time, nothing could get her out of the mess except Jesus. She understood that the name of Jesus is the name above every other name, the name at which every knee must bow and every tongue must confess that Jesus truly is LORD. Furthermore, how come the name worked for her? Shouldn’t it be those who had the right to utter that name that it should work for? I mean for Pete’s sake if she had any respect for the name initially, she wouldn’t have found herself in such a situation at all.
I begin to get mad. I think about all the parties I never attended, all the boys I have turned down because it wasn’t part of “the will”, all the tests I could have gotten much higher grades on if I had just opened my note. It just doesn’t seem fair that I have been “good” all the time and people like Laide never are and yet power was made available to her. Shouldn’t it have mattered that she was a filthy sinner? Shouldn’t lightning have struck her down the first time she dared whisper the name Jesus? Where was her punishment for all the things she had done? Why had she been spared a fate she deserved? These thoughts rack through my brain over and over again till I get a splitting headache. I look at the time; it reads 7:05am. I had better get out of bed, the day has already started. I skip morning devotion today, it seems like there is no point. I set out all I will need for today and I mentally plan my route and stops. Having done that, it’s time for a bath. I’m in the mood for heat, so I turn on the water heater. As soon as I turn the knob and the hot water hits my skin my mind flashes back.
I begin to see all my misdeeds clearly. Little things I didn’t think could harm anyone; a little gossip here, a little malice there, a little jealousy here, a little white lie there. It’s like everything is being pieced together and as I look up at the whole, I see the magnitude of my sin and the latest one is ever so vivid in the picture. I begin to weep in shame. Who am I to judge anyone when my sins are ever before me? Who am I to deny anyone mercy when mercy was freely given to me? Who am I to wish punishment on a soul when I was spared? Who am I to count the sins of another when mine were never counted unto me? I get down on my knees right there, hot water pouring and all, and I beg the Lord to forgive me, for I know that I can come into his presence without shame or guilt, for we have all been given the right to call upon the name of the Lord.
A girl screams out, “Where in the world is my lipstick? ADETOLA!”
“Oops! Sorry. My bad.”
And just like that, the banter goes on and on. Everyone wants to look their best, for they are coming soon and they will only take those who are ready for the task ahead. In a very short while, the call will come and for those who get on board, the journey begins, for those who don’t, they’ve missed the only chance they’ll ever get.
I step into my room, hoping for the comfort of solitude, but much to my surprise I find that the commotion I witnessed outside cannot hold a candle to the tornado of events raging in my room. Clothes are strewn all over the place, there is make-up covering every inch of the dressing table, there are voices coming from every angle of the room and about seven mouths to go with those voices, none of which I recognize. I step around the clutter, confusion evident in my face, searching for a familiar face. My roommate then walks in, dressed to kill.
“Wow! Where are you off too?” I know that’s a stupid question. I obviously know where she’s off to but I refuse to believe it.
“Oh, I’m off to have fun, darling. Obviously from the way you’re dressed we’re not heading to the same place.”
“Well, except if you intend to have fun in your bed all by yourself, no, we are not heading to the same place.” I said as I moved between the staring eyes.
I sit on my bed as I watch them all get ready, awestruck. Lipstick is traded, eye shadow applied, dresses are adjusted, shoes are worn, all in the mind to dazzle whatever audience cares to observe. The end result is jaw dropping.
My roommate is dressed in a snug, backless, micro-mini aquamarine gown, with a dipping neckline, gold strappy heels, and her hair cascading down her back like a waterfall; obviously she just put in the extensions that day. The only piece of jewellery worn, tiny gold studs in her ears and a thin gold bracelet I had given her on her birthday. The others are also clad in a variety of skimpy to slutty, a mini skirt here, daisy duke shorts there, with attitudes to match too.
“Ladun darling, how do I look?” she spins so I can get a good look of the dress, though there isn’t really much to see.
I raise an eyebrow in response.
She gives a hearty laugh, “Just the expression I was looking for. Mission accomplished.”
“Right, yay you!”
“Anyway, we’re off. I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Bye.”
As they all step out, the excitement they feel evident in their chatter, I feel a cold knot form in the pit of my belly; dread shoots through every fiber of my being and leaves me shaken. I call out to my roommate.
“Sade, wait.”
“Ladun, you look horrible what’s wrong?”
“Don’t go for the party, please don’t go.”
“What in the world is the matter with you? We’re just going to have some fun and be right back in the morning, no harm done. Just chill, ok?”
“No, I can’t chill. You can’t go, what if you don’t come right back? Please just listen to me, you’re not meant to go. Please don’t go, please!” At this point, I am hysterical. The more she remains adamant to go, the bigger the knot forms.
“LADUN, I am going! Stop making a fool of both of us and just go back to the room.”
The call comes in then. It sounds more like a clarion call of doom to me.
“See, I have to go. Just calm down ok, everything will be just fine. I’ll see you later.”
“Sade…”
“LADUN, SEE YOU IN THE MORNING!”
As she walks away I know that is the last time I will ever see her take a step.
I hear the news of her death at about 3a.m, but I have already shed so many tears my eyes are almost swollen shut. The circumstances surrounding her death, so grotesque; I cannot stop myself from throwing up. Her body has been found chopped to little pieces with only her eyes missing from their sockets. The pieces left floating in a pool of the blood of all the various victims unfortunate enough to have found themselves in such a situation. All victims have empty sockets where their eyes should be. As this information is being relayed to me, a girl runs in panting. We all rush to her aid because she seems frightened beyond measure. Although her clothes are tattered, we can tell where she is coming from. We ask her several questions including her name, what happened, how she got here, amongst others but all she keeps saying is “Jesus.” The moment a word is said to her she says “Jesus.” She’s shaking like a leaf, muttering the name “Jesus” over and over again. Someone arrives with a blanket and wraps her with it, holding her really close. I have already begun to pray in the spirit. Finally, she speaks out.
“They selected a couple of us and put us in their cars.” She starts in between sobs. “After a while, some of us began to notice that we had been driving for hours on a deserted road that didn’t have an end in sight. We called out to our driver to stop but he wouldn’t, he wouldn’t even look at us.” She looks at me then, “I was in the car with Sade.” I just rub her arm and motion for her to go on, still praying under my breath. She continued, “Sade grabbed the guy’s arm and screamed at him to stop the car. It was then he turned and looked at her.” She begins to sob again. “His eyes had changed. It was all black. His eyes were like deep pools of blackness. They seemed endless in depth yet vacant of life. Sade froze in her seat for like three seconds, and then let out this blood-curling scream that seemed to echo into the darkness all around us.” She is rocking back and forth now. “He started to laugh. It was a deep booming sound of elation, like he had won some kind of victory. My heart was beating so erratically, I thought it would fly right out of my chest.” She seems to have calmed down a bit now. “The convoy seemed to stop then and we were all dragged out of the cars we had been put in. from the look in the other’s eyes, they already knew something horrible was about to happen. They lined us up in pairs and then walked around us chanting something and sprinkling powder as they went along. After that, they took us one after the other and tied us up with wet rope. I didn’t know why it was wet then, but seeing myself now, it was probably soaked in blood. All of a sudden there was this whizzing noise, like some machine was being powered up. I wondered what it was until I heard the sound mix with screams of agony as metal blades cut through skin. I turned my head to see and I watched as one of the girls was sawed in half.” She bows her head and goes quiet then, we all do!
“How come you escaped, Laide?”
“I was the last one they approached. As one of them walked up to me, the chain saw in his hand, I began to whimper “Jesus”. With every step he took, I said “Jesus” a little louder. He began to stagger backwards and when I noticed, I screamed “Jesus” a little louder. Then all of them began to stagger, I screamed even louder, “Jesus”. They begged me to stop but I wouldn’t, I just screamed louder. It was then I noticed that I could move. I looked down at myself and realized the chains were loosed. I got up then and ran as fast as I could, it was like I received a surge of strength. I didn’t even know where I was going, I just ran. I began to notice familiar landmarks after a while I knew I was heading straight here.” She lets out a breath then, as though she is relieved to have it all out in the open.
I looked at her and asked, “Do you know why they cut out their eyes?”
“Their eyes weren’t cut out while I was there, but I do know that when I said “Jesus”, their eyes began to bleed.”
We clean up her cuts and bruises as best as we can. Knowing that there is no comfort we can offer to one another to ease the grief, we solemnly disperse to our various rooms, after all, life doesn’t stop because we’re in pain. As I lie on my bed, I know that sleep is no where on the horizon no matter how tight I shut my eyes. My mind begins to wander.
Laide is not a Christian as such, in fact, if anybody is a staunch follower of the things of the world it would be her, yet, she understood the basic principle of the power in the name of Jesus. She understood that when it came to crunch time, nothing could get her out of the mess except Jesus. She understood that the name of Jesus is the name above every other name, the name at which every knee must bow and every tongue must confess that Jesus truly is LORD. Furthermore, how come the name worked for her? Shouldn’t it be those who had the right to utter that name that it should work for? I mean for Pete’s sake if she had any respect for the name initially, she wouldn’t have found herself in such a situation at all.
I begin to get mad. I think about all the parties I never attended, all the boys I have turned down because it wasn’t part of “the will”, all the tests I could have gotten much higher grades on if I had just opened my note. It just doesn’t seem fair that I have been “good” all the time and people like Laide never are and yet power was made available to her. Shouldn’t it have mattered that she was a filthy sinner? Shouldn’t lightning have struck her down the first time she dared whisper the name Jesus? Where was her punishment for all the things she had done? Why had she been spared a fate she deserved? These thoughts rack through my brain over and over again till I get a splitting headache. I look at the time; it reads 7:05am. I had better get out of bed, the day has already started. I skip morning devotion today, it seems like there is no point. I set out all I will need for today and I mentally plan my route and stops. Having done that, it’s time for a bath. I’m in the mood for heat, so I turn on the water heater. As soon as I turn the knob and the hot water hits my skin my mind flashes back.
I begin to see all my misdeeds clearly. Little things I didn’t think could harm anyone; a little gossip here, a little malice there, a little jealousy here, a little white lie there. It’s like everything is being pieced together and as I look up at the whole, I see the magnitude of my sin and the latest one is ever so vivid in the picture. I begin to weep in shame. Who am I to judge anyone when my sins are ever before me? Who am I to deny anyone mercy when mercy was freely given to me? Who am I to wish punishment on a soul when I was spared? Who am I to count the sins of another when mine were never counted unto me? I get down on my knees right there, hot water pouring and all, and I beg the Lord to forgive me, for I know that I can come into his presence without shame or guilt, for we have all been given the right to call upon the name of the Lord.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
I can't help falling in love with you...
I’ve heard so many times in my life that you never know what you have until it’s gone but what if you knew even when you had it? What if you have actually experienced that intense joy that comes with looking into the face of another person and seeing the fulfillment of your very heart desires? What do you say about knowing that the best thing that ever happened to you was right there in your grasp and for some unknown reason you let it slip away? What if after the short yet lengthy time you have spent on this earth, you have felt your heart beat in sync with someone else’s and now that rhythm has changed?
I’m not so experienced in the ways of the world, considering the fact that I’ve spent just about 18 years this side of heaven, but in these short years, I’ve experienced bliss in a dimension I would have assumed humanly impossible. I have thought things, dreamed things, said things, heard things and felt things that have so stretched the boundaries of my heart that I couldn’t possibly have any room to contain any more. All of it brought me to a place where all I seemed to see was light, nothing but blinding, magnificent light.
My high school was every “different” teenager’s worst nightmare. You couldn’t get by if you didn’t stick to the status quo which required of everyone to be cool and hip. I was one of the queer ones that just didn’t seem to fit into any mold no matter how hard I tried, and trust me, I did try. I tried so hard to not be noticed by too many people when I realized it was quite hopeless to conform to standards that just didn’t make any sense, I reasoned, the less people who knew me, the less people could pick on me or ridicule me. Little did I know that the very thing I was trying to avoid would soon smack me right in the face in the person of a certain young man that shook my world to pieces and put it back together to his perfect specifications. I entered a world of perfect bliss and harmony. For three years of my life, I gave him nothing but love and he gave it back and then some. I had my most hearty laughs and fondest memories when we were together and I really must say, nothing ever felt so good.
In putting me together as he so lovingly did, he held power over me in his hands and when he chose to exercise that power, he didn’t bother to clean up the mess he made of me. He simply stepped over it and moved on. I was left amidst the broken shards of my life with nothing. He made no apologies, just heartless rambling of pointless excuses to rid himself of any guilt. The cruelty of it all I pondered upon for many days with every tear drop on my cheek. I suffered through the pain with every breath that I took always maintaining hope that he would come back to me. I sat in the darkness of a love that was forever gone, not recognizing the pathetic space I now occupied day in, day out. I wallowed in his selfish betrayal till it became all I seemed to live for. How pathetic!
I held on to the pain for months on end till I read something really amazing in this precious book called The Holy Bible. It said, “God showed how much he loved us by sending his only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love. It is not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.” In further studies I found out that there’s this really powerful God who owns all things and who created everything, that loves me like crazy. He sent his son, who is a king by the way, to come and die for me in that my pathetic nature so that I could have a wonderful life. The one thing that struck me the most is that the very nature of this wonderful God is love. He cannot do anything that is not love. Love is who He is and because of that love, I am who I am today.
His love lifted me out of the very pit of depression, and placed me on a pedestal where pain can never overwhelm me, as long as I remain on that pedestal. His love for me has put a new spring in my step, light in my eyes, joy in my soul and hope in all that is true and good. He has truly made all things beautiful for me. As I think back on all that happened now, I can’t help but be grateful because in losing the love of a man whom I so much cherished, I received the love of a God who has my heart in the very palm of His hands.
I’m not so experienced in the ways of the world, considering the fact that I’ve spent just about 18 years this side of heaven, but in these short years, I’ve experienced bliss in a dimension I would have assumed humanly impossible. I have thought things, dreamed things, said things, heard things and felt things that have so stretched the boundaries of my heart that I couldn’t possibly have any room to contain any more. All of it brought me to a place where all I seemed to see was light, nothing but blinding, magnificent light.
My high school was every “different” teenager’s worst nightmare. You couldn’t get by if you didn’t stick to the status quo which required of everyone to be cool and hip. I was one of the queer ones that just didn’t seem to fit into any mold no matter how hard I tried, and trust me, I did try. I tried so hard to not be noticed by too many people when I realized it was quite hopeless to conform to standards that just didn’t make any sense, I reasoned, the less people who knew me, the less people could pick on me or ridicule me. Little did I know that the very thing I was trying to avoid would soon smack me right in the face in the person of a certain young man that shook my world to pieces and put it back together to his perfect specifications. I entered a world of perfect bliss and harmony. For three years of my life, I gave him nothing but love and he gave it back and then some. I had my most hearty laughs and fondest memories when we were together and I really must say, nothing ever felt so good.
In putting me together as he so lovingly did, he held power over me in his hands and when he chose to exercise that power, he didn’t bother to clean up the mess he made of me. He simply stepped over it and moved on. I was left amidst the broken shards of my life with nothing. He made no apologies, just heartless rambling of pointless excuses to rid himself of any guilt. The cruelty of it all I pondered upon for many days with every tear drop on my cheek. I suffered through the pain with every breath that I took always maintaining hope that he would come back to me. I sat in the darkness of a love that was forever gone, not recognizing the pathetic space I now occupied day in, day out. I wallowed in his selfish betrayal till it became all I seemed to live for. How pathetic!
I held on to the pain for months on end till I read something really amazing in this precious book called The Holy Bible. It said, “God showed how much he loved us by sending his only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love. It is not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.” In further studies I found out that there’s this really powerful God who owns all things and who created everything, that loves me like crazy. He sent his son, who is a king by the way, to come and die for me in that my pathetic nature so that I could have a wonderful life. The one thing that struck me the most is that the very nature of this wonderful God is love. He cannot do anything that is not love. Love is who He is and because of that love, I am who I am today.
His love lifted me out of the very pit of depression, and placed me on a pedestal where pain can never overwhelm me, as long as I remain on that pedestal. His love for me has put a new spring in my step, light in my eyes, joy in my soul and hope in all that is true and good. He has truly made all things beautiful for me. As I think back on all that happened now, I can’t help but be grateful because in losing the love of a man whom I so much cherished, I received the love of a God who has my heart in the very palm of His hands.
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